In praise of the handicapped stall…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Sep 11, 2009 in A Total Waste of Time, Excellent Ideas, Uncategorized

I like using the handicapped stall in the restroom at work. It’s nice and roomy. I have this little cart that I wheel into the stall that contains all the supplies I need during restroom time such as: a little lap desk to place my lunch on, a heated footrest, a padded back rest with arms complete with cup holders, cappuccino maker, toaster oven, a cot to nap on, dartboard, a podium to practice my public speaking, TV set with built-in DVD player, various lotions and reading material… and of course, my imported toilet tissues. Sometimes my Spanish language instructor accompanies me.

I like to be comfortable and not rushed so that I am completely ready when The Moment arrives. My Spanish teacher is somewhat helpful during this event, but I don’t always understand her commands when she yells, “Empujar, gringo, empuje!” However, she is GREAT to work with afterward… so gentle… a real pro.

Anyhoo, I encourage you to explore the magic of a handicapped stall near you, whether it be at your office, church, or school. Trust me, when done right, it’s an experience you will never forget.


Super Bowl ads

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Feb 3, 2009 in Uncategorized

Well, I was rooting for the Cardinals since it was their first trip to the Super Bowl, and the Steelers have had their share of championships, but it was not to be. The game was great though, and the pre-game and half-time shows were fun.

The commercials were somewhat lackluster, and the hands-down best one was the Doritos “crystal ball” commercial.

Also, the movie trailer for Star Trek was pretty cool…

To see all the ads, go here.


Uh oh.

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Feb 2, 2009 in Uncategorized

bongOlympic swimming champion and All-American-Boy Michael Phelps recently got tagged in a photo showing him taking a hit of marijuana at a party, and now a lot of his endorsement deals may be in jeopardy.

Well, if it’s any consolation, the pipe shown IS the official bong of the 2008 Summer Olympics.



Posted by Mr. Longmire on Jan 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

Well, after a glorious event yesterday, the first full day of the new presidency got off to an awkward start when Obama started cracking jokes to his cabinet about Joe Biden’s hair, unaware that the VP had entered the room and was standing directly behind him…


The teary-eyed Vice President was rumored to have screamed “I hate ALL of you!” and ran sobbing from the room to his office, knocking a stack of papers out of an administrative assistant’s hands on his way out. He was unconsolable until midday when the president came by and made amends with a McDonald’s Happy Meal (McNuggets with BBQ sauce), apologized by saying that sometimes the president says things he doesn’t mean, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love the vice president. The president then told the vice president a funny knock-knock joke and got him to smile. Biden then said “Well, I guess my hair IS a little weird…” and they burst out laughing and hugged each other.

Is this a great country, or what?


Oh Lord, please let it come true…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Jan 5, 2009 in Uncategorized

Fortune cookie fortune received at lunch today at a Chinese restaurant…

“You will have gold pieces by the bushel.”


The past two years, if you’re interested…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Jan 2, 2009 in Uncategorized

So, what have I been doing for the past two years?

Basically not much has changed in my life. Still working at the same job, living in the same house, seeing the same woman and still not married. I traveled a little during that time. My girlfriend is in an administrative assistant organization that has annual conferences and I tag along sometimes. In 2006, we traveled to Tampa for her conference and last year visited New Orleans. We also went on a cruise last year to Key West and Nassau, Bahamas. I have some video from that cruise that has to be seen to be believed. Friends have been telling me that I MUST put it on YouTube. I will do that soon.

Oh, last year was fun when I came home during the Memorial Day weekend in May to find my house flooded. The water supply line to the toilet in the master bedroom came loose and sprayed water freely for two days straight while I wasn’t home. It flooded half of my house. The next few months my house was torn up as contractors dried the floors out, replaced the sublooring and floor, carpets, baseboards, some wall areas, and replaced a bathroom vanity. It was quite a pain, but also a blessing as I did get some ancient carpet replaced.

I just signed up on Flickr, so I will have some photos to share from time to time.

Well, that’s all for now.



Posted by Mr. Longmire on Jan 1, 2009 in Uncategorized
It's me.. Longmire!

It's me.. Longmire!

Hello there. I’ve been away for a while, haven’t I? Just over two years. I guess I should explain, huh?

Well, blame it on laziness and inconvenience. One day of not feeling like writing turned into two days. That turned into a week, then into two weeks, then into a month. A month eventually turned into a year, then before I knew it, another year passed! Oh, I had plenty of entertaining things to share, but I just got into a mood to where I tired of the chore of posting entries.

That’s where the inconvenience came in.

The way I posted entries was this… I would write in Dreamweaver, which is website authoring software, and then post the updated page via FTP. I only did this from my home computer and by the time I got home from work everyday, I didn’t want to get back on a computer to do anything. I just wanted to unwind and watch television or play video games.

Well, I finally arrived into the new millennium and am now using blog software that allows me to log in, write, and publish wherever I have access to a computer and internet connection. Much better way to do it. On the advice of friends and associates, I chose WordPress to blog with. I recommend it highly.

About the web site: I plan to overhaul The Wonderful World of Longmire. A totally new design and some restructuring… mainly tossing out some old pages that take up space. Definitely staying are the two most popular features of the site… the romance novel covers (more to come) and the Planet of the Apes Funkified saga (I WILL FINISH IT IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS).

I missed out on quite a bit of commentary in the election year that just ended. Eh, well, you can never run out of Sarah Palin jokes. NEVER.

I started doing some joke stuff on subjects that are now way outdated. I guess I should do a special page titled “Outdated Material That Never Got Released In Time” and throw them all in there.

So, bookmark this page and come back often. I’m not planning to stay away again.

Oh, and one more thing… HAPPY NEW YEAR!

- Mark

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