-----Original Message-----
From: Bernhardt, Tonya
Sent: Monday, August 07, 2000 12:06 PM
To: Longmire, Mark
Subject: AREA NEWS



Story last updated at 11:00 AM on Monday, August 7th, 2000


Local Website required to post Government Warning Label after "incidents"

by Phil McGroen

A local resident was required by law to place the following Government Warning on the opening page of his website as a result of several incidents that have occurred in conjunction with viewing the site.

Government Warning:

(1) According to the Surgeon General, entering this website can be hazardous to your health.

(2) Viewing anything on this site impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, including your VCR and George Foreman Grill and may cause health problems.

(3) Attempting to eat, drink, smoke, crochet doilies or clip toenails while viewing this site is strictly prohibited.

(4) You must remain in your seat with your tray table in the upright and locked position while viewing.

(5) This product will be hot after heating.

(6) There is no lifeguard on duty, however a coroner does stop by daily to remove debris.

(7) You must be at least 18 years old to view this site, however, you must have the maturity level of an 9 year old who still thinks its funny to fart in the tub.

(8) Finally, if you fail to following this Government Warning, not only will the Surgeon General come to your house and teach you how to barbecue roadkill, but you will gain an all too intimate knowledge of the POWER of Zyrtec, learn why rigging the microwave to operate with the door open is NOT such a good idea and realize when the lady at Wendy's says the Frosty machine "done broked," its broken and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it!

Mark Longmire, 33 (yeah, I got $10 bucks for writing that crap) of Knoxville was ordered by Judge Seymour Hookers in Knox County district court to post the warning label after several incidents occurred while unsuspecting surfers "happened" across the website "The Wonderful World of Longmire". Descriptions of the incidents are just too vile and repulsive to print here.

It was also reported that there was an "incident" with the judge ruling on the case while viewing portions of the site. Judge Hookers handed down the ruling while being transported by ambulance to Mercy hospital where he is listed in serious but in no way mentally stable condition. This is the first ruling of this type in Knox County history.