Planet of the Apes

 

Part 2.
Strange New World

 

Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah... the spaceship sank.

While rowing to the shore, the three discuss their situation. (Taylor and Landon are doing all the rowing while Dodge is playing his GameBoy...)

Landon: Well, where are we? Do you have any notions, Skipper?

Taylor: We're some 320 light years from Earth on an unnamed planet in orbit around a star in the constellation of Orion. Is that close enough for you?

Landon (looking up at sun): That star could be Bellotrix...

Dodge: It's too white for Bellotrix.

Landon: It could be Ringo.

Dodge: Huh?

Landon: You know, Ringo... Ringo Starr? Heh, heh... get it?

 

(silence)

 

Landon (speaking to Taylor): Well, anyway... you didn't have time to read the tapes, so you really don't know...do you?

Taylor (in exaggerated mocking tone): ...so you really don't know, do you? ...so you really don't know, do you? ...jackass.

Landon (trying to ignore Taylor's last comment): What went wrong? We weren't programmed to land in the water.

 

(Hey, good thing that life raft was handy near the exit, eh? Heh, heh,...huh? Oh, uh...sorry... back to the story...)

 

Dodge: The question is not so much where we are as 'when' we are.

Taylor: All right, we've had enough sleep to hold us for a while. Let's start earning all that back pay.

Landon: Hey Taylor, when do we get to see the ap...

Taylor (whispering through clenched teeth): Shut up.

After rowing for a long while, the three shipwrecked astronauts finally reach the shore and drag their life raft onto land. They unload their survival supply kits (which look like a cross between a backpack and a thermos) from the raft, and Taylor tells Dodge to run his soil test.

 


"Got your sensors?"
"Got 'em."

Taylor: Got your sensors?

Dodge: Right.

Taylor: Geiger counter?

Dodge: Got it.

Taylor: Geiger counter?

Dodge: I said I got it.

Taylor: Got your Geiger counter?

Dodge: I SAID I GOT IT!

 

(silence)

 

Taylor: Got your sensors?

 

(silence)

 

Dodge (taking a slow, patient breath): Yes sir, I have my sensors.

 

(silence)

"Got your Geiger Counter?"  

"I said YES."

Taylor: Got your Geiger counter?

Dodge (screaming): YES, I'VE GOT MY DAMN SENSORS AND I ALSO HAVE MY FRIGGIN' GEIGER COUNTER! LOOK, THEY'RE HERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! ARE YOU BLIND? CAN'T YOU SEE THEM? I'VE GOT BOTH OF THE DAMN THINGS RIGHT HERE SIX INCHES IN FRONT OF ME. LOOK, I'M POINTING AT THEM! CAN YOU SEE ME POINTING AT THEM? THIS IS THE GEIGER COUNTER AND THESE ARE THE SENSORS. YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM. I CAN SEE YOU LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOUR HIGHNESS? YOU JUST HAVE TO GO ON AND ON WITH YOUR STUPID CRAP, DON'T YOU? ...DON'T YOU?

 

(silence)

 

Taylor: Got your Geiger counter?

Dodge (to the point of tears): stop it... please...just stop it...

 

Taylor opens up his own backpack and starts looking over the contents:

 

"I love TX-9."Taylor: Let's see... one pistol, 20 rounds ammo, a medical kit, camera, TX-9, a tape player with a 'William Shatner Does Country' cassette, half a pack of Marlboros, sour cream and chives snack crackers, thighmaster, a framed photo of me naked, 2 KitKat bars, oven mitts, Viagra, and a sock.

Dodge: I've got dibs on the KitKat bars!

Taylor: We've got food and water enough for three days.

Dodge: How long is a day?

Taylor: That's a good question... Landon? (shouting to get Landon's attention) Hey Landon! Join the expedition!

Landon: Sorry, I was thinking about Stewart.

Taylor: Rod Stewart?

Landon: No, our crewmate who died... you know... Stewart.

Taylor: Oh yeah, her. What about her?

Landon: What do you suppose happened?

Taylor: Air Leak. She died in her sleep.

Landon: You don't seem very cut up about it.

Taylor: It's a little late for a wake. She's been dead nearly a year. Actually, I'm a little relieved that she's dead...I owed her money... big time.

Landon: That means we've been away from Earth for 18 months.

Taylor: Our time...you've gone gray. Apart from that, you look pretty chipper for a man who's 2,031 years old (winks at Landon).

Landon: (blushes)

Taylor: I read the clocks. They bear out Hasslein's hypothesis. We have been away from Earth for 2,000 years...give or take a decade. Still can't accept it, huh? Time's wiped out everything you ever knew. It's all dust.

Landon: Prove it. If we can't get back, it's still JUST a theory.

Taylor: It's a fact, Landon. Buy it. You'll sleep better.

Landon: You're so cruel.

Taylor (smiling): I know.

 

Dodge walks over to Taylor and Landon and tells the results of his soil test.

Dodge : Using my Geiger counter and my sensors (eyeing Taylor cautiously), I've determined that nothing will grow here, not even a Chia Pet. There's just a trace of carbohydrates. All the nitrogen is locked into the nitrates.

Taylor: What does that mean?

Dodge: I have no idea.

 

(silence)

 

Landon: Well, there goes Christmas!

 

(stunned silence)

 

Taylor: WHAT?

Landon: Yep. Christmas is ruined.

Taylor: What in the hell are you talking about?

Landon: Well, if nothing will grow here, that means we won't find a Christmas tree this year.

Dodge: He's right, Taylor.

Taylor: I can't believe what I'm hearing... Christmas tree?...guys, I think we've a got quite a bit more to worry about than finding a Christmas tree. First, and most important, we need to...

Landon: You just don't care about my and Dodge's Christmas, do you?

Taylor: Huh?

Dodge: It just isn't Christmas without a tree.

Landon: That's right. Don't you care about Christmas?

Taylor: Well, sure I do.. I mean... I like Christmas as much as anybody, you know... but.. uh...well... I... er...ahhh... damn it!...exactly what the hell do you expect me to do about it? Do I look like a friggin' Christmas tree fairy?

 

(silence)

 

Landon: Can we go look for a Christmas tree?

Dodge: Yeah, can we?

Taylor (exhausted): Sure.

Landon, Dodge (in unison): YAY!

Taylor: Well, if there's no life here, we've got just 72 hours to find it. That's when the groceries run out. Let's go.

Dodge: Which direction?

Taylor: That way.

Dodge: Any particular reason?

Taylor: None at all.

Dodge: Any particular reason?

Taylor: I said none at all.

Dodge: Any particular reason?

Taylor: I SAID NONE AT... oh, I get it... very cute, Dodge.

Dodge: Bastard.

 

"Hawh, hawh, hawh, hawh..."
Dodge and Taylor turn to Landon who is over by the shoreline, kneeling down, preoccupied with something. Taylor sees what he is doing. Landon has created a miniature replica of the famous scene of the Marines raising the U.S. flag at Iwo Jima using G.I. Joe action figures. Taylor erupts into a maniacal horse laugh (.aiff 134k) that soon turns into an uncontrollable coughing fit. After a few moments, Taylor coughs up an intact, undigested snack cracker.

 

Taylor: Mmmmm.... cheddar!

 

Taylor then spits out the cracker at Dodge, hitting him right between the eyes.

 

Dodge: Owww! Hey, watch it!

The next scenes are of the three astronauts trekking across numerous barren desert landscapes and perilously high rocky ledges. Complete desolation surrounds them with not a sign of life anywhere...not even a visitor center or a gift shop.

"Oh, dear..." Several days and many fistfights later, they start descending a hill composed of loose dirt and rocks. This is The Exciting Sliding Sequence.

They start sliding down this hill out of control to clattering and clanging soundtrack music (aif-272k) that sounds like someone beating on some pots and pans.

The music makes it sound more dangerous than it really is. The only real danger is the possibility of developing a raw rear-end while sliding.

These guys collapse at the bottom of the hill like a bunch of wusses. As they get back up, Taylor gives Dodge a reassuring pat on the ankle, while Landon looks on, wondering why he didn't get a pat also.

Okay, the guys start walking again, the terrain has leveled off somewhat, and they encounter strange blinding lightning and thunder.

"LANDON! What did you do?!!!"

"Big rock... BIG ROCK!"A little further on, a huge boulder that has been laying still for probably hundreds of years, for some unexplainable reason chooses this exact moment to start tumbling down a ridge right toward them. One can only figure that Taylor has somehow angered the boulder like he angers everyone else. They run for cover, seeking refuge and taking a rest beside an even bigger boulder.

"WHEW! I..(pant. pant) didn't see... (pant. pant) that one... (pant, pant) coming!""

Taylor (panting): Everybody all right?

(affirmative nods)

Taylor: Water check.

Dodge: Eight ounces.

Landon: Only eight ounces of water left? At this rate, we won't have any water for Christmas.

Taylor: All right, stop right there... I don't want to hear another word about Christmas... understand?

Landon: But, we need...

Taylor: NOT ANOTHER WORD!

Landon: All I'm saying is...

Taylor: NO!

Landon: OK...sorry.

 

(silence)

 

Dodge: When I was a kid, we always had water for Christmas.

 

Why me?Taylor (screaming hysterically): I THOUGHT I SAID NO MORE TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS! DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA, ANY IDEA AT ALL, JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WE'VE CRASH LANDED ON A STRANGE PLANET WITH NO SIGNS OF LIFE, WE'RE THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE AND BILLIONS OF MILES FROM EARTH. WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF FOOD AND WATER AND MORE THAN LIKELY, WE'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD TOMORROW AND OUR BODIES WILL ROT AND TURN TO DUST ON THIS MISERABLE DESERT, AND ALL THAT YOU IDIOTS CAN THINK ABOUT IS CHRISTMAS? I'M LOSING MY MIND! OH LORD, DEAR LORD, WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE THAT WAS SO BAD, SO EVIL, THAT I AM BEING PUNISHED BY BEING STRANDED HERE WITH THESE TWO MORONS? I AM IN HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Taylor collapses face-first into the desert sand.

 

(silence)

 

Dodge: We got any of those KitKat bars left?

Landon (eating): This is the last one. I'll split it with you.

Dodge: Hey, thanks, buddy!

Landon: No problem.

 

Taylor looks up at the two with sand sticking to his tear-stained face, his recent anguish completely forgotten at the first mention of snacks...

 

Taylor (panting and wheezing): Snack cracker check.

Dodge: Half a box left.

Taylor (regaining his composure): Hand 'em over.

Dodge: You got it, boss.

Taylor: I gotsta have my snacks.

Landon: I heard THAT.

 

(sound of munching)

 

They finish with their snack break and commence to walking again. Taylor engages Landon in conversation while Dodge is walking ahead of them:

 

Taylor (sarcastically): Clue me in on something, will 'ya? Why did you sign on for this trip? You volunteered... why? How does your light shine in the Halls of Shambala?

 

(Landon looks at Taylor, puzzled)

 

Taylor: Never mind, I'll clue YOU in. You were the golden boy of the Class of '72. When they nominated you for the big one, you couldn't turn it down... not without losing your all-American image...

Landon: Climb off, will 'ya?

Taylor:...oh, and the glory...don't forget that. There's a life-size bronze statue of you standing out there somewhere. It's probably turned green by now, and nobody can read the nameplate. But never let it be said that we forget our heroes...

Landon: Taylor, I'm telling you to climb off my back!

Taylor: And there's one last item... immortality. You wanted to live forever, didn't you? And you damn near made it. Except for me and Dodge, you've lived longer than anyone ever born. And with our lovely Lt. Stewart dead, looks like you're the last of the line. You got what you wanted, tiger, how does it taste?

Landon: OK, you read me well enough, but get off my back. I can't carry you any further... you're too heavy. I'm starting to cramp up.

Taylor: Weakling.

 

Taylor climbs off Landon's back, giving him a swift kick in the rear in the process.

 

Landon: Why can't I read you?

Taylor: Don't bother.

Landon: Dodge there, he's not like me at all... but he makes sense. He'd walk naked into a live volcano if he thought he could learn something that no other man knew.

 

Landon and Taylor look at each other and burst into laughter.

 

Taylor: Good one.

Landon: But seriously... you, you're no seeker. You're negative.

Taylor: And I'm not prepared to die.

Landon: I'd like to know why not? You thought life on Earth was meaningless. You despised people. So what'd you do? You ran out.

Taylor: No, no, it's not like that, Landon. I'm a seeker, too, but my dreams aren't like yours. I can't help thinking somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than Man... has to be!

Landon: Like maybe a society of intelligent apes that can talk?

 

(silence)

 

Director: CUT! CUT! Cut, damn it, cut! What are you doing? That wasn't in the script! You idiot! You're gonna ruin the whole damn movie.

Charlton Heston: I told you this guy was a loser... shouldn't have ever hired him for the part. I wanted Tony Curtis.

Director: My hands were tied. He's the producer's nephew. Anyway, we're into it too far now, so we're stuck with him.

Charlton Heston: Well, think of a way to lose him... and fast. This is the second time he's almost blown the movie. There was a moment back there in the raft...

Director: I noticed that. OK, we'll think of something.

Charlton Heston: You better. He'll bring the whole movie down with him if you don't. I'm serious.

Director: OK, OK. Let's get back to it.

Charlton Heston: Better do something quick...

Director: Quiet on the set....

Clapper Guy: OK, roll 'em...Planet of the Apes, scene 31: Dodge finds a weed, take number 12.

Director: ...ACTION!

 

Dodge: TAYLOR! OVER HERE!

 

Taylor and Landon run over a small hill to find that Dodge has discovered a small flowering weed-like plant growing out of the sunbaked desert soil.

 

Dodge: Life.

 

The three bend down at the same time and scoop the plant out of the dry soil and examine it.

 

Dodge: Where there's one, there's another... and another... and another.

Landon: And another?

Dodge: Yes, my friend... another.

Landon: Do you think we could smoke this?

Taylor: Would you please, please, just shut up?

 

They start walking again in their quest to find more weeds. Their renewed faith is evident in the long, determined strides they take. They walk and walk and walk, silhouetted by desert sunsets, pausing occasionally to kick and slap Landon.

The desert vegetation increases gradually and it seems that they are on the right track to something. High above them on a cliff, unseen by our three boys, distant figures start running about, curiously checking out these new arrivals. Landon is walking point through a narrow canyon when he spots something...

 

Landon: Skipper! Looky!

 

Taylor, wondering if Landon is directing his attention to a cloud shaped like a horsey or something else just as useless, looks to see what Landon has discovered. Mounted up on the rock formation ahead appears to be several dark human-like shapes lined up in a row. The three astronauts eye the strange sight suspiciously...

 

Landon: Scarecrows?

Taylor: Let's see...

 

Led by Taylor, the desert-worn and haggard-looking astronauts climb the steep rock formation to the top where the scarecrows are. Taylor reaches the top and has a view of lush, green trees and hears the sound of rushing water.

 

Taylor: The hell with the scarecrows!

 

The pots and pans music from The Exciting Sliding Sequence starts back up. They rush toward the sound of the water just over another ledge and are thrilled and awestruck at the sight of a luscious waterfall cascading down in to a beautiful pond.

"Come, my friend... let us celebrate our nakedness as nature has intended for us to."In the blink of an eye, Landon and Dodge lose all of their senses, strip off all of their clothes and jump stark naked into the water yelling "YAHOO! YAY, YAY, YAY!" (.aiff 49k) Taylor takes off his clothes as well and the other two astronauts are temporarily blinded by the sunlit glare coming off of his white legs. Taylor takes a slower, more sensuous descent into the water, grunting incoherently as he goes.

"HELL YEAH! It dudn't git any better'n dis!"Dodge and Landon are frolicking in the water, whooping and hollering, splashing about as Taylor continues to grunt and release 2,000 year-old fart bubbles into the water. The party is soon over when Landon, always so observant, makes a find in the mud at the water's edge.

 

Landon: Taylor! Look at this!

Dodge and Taylor join Landon to see what he has found. In the mud is an empty crumpled-up cigarette pack. They are not alone.

No comment.
(this is too easy...I'll let put your own caption here, folks)

(Okay, there have been three main discoveries so far: 1. Dodge found the weed. 2. Landon first saw the scarecrows. 3. Landon has now found the crumpled cigarette pack. What has Taylor found? Nothing. Some Commander he is.)

Landon and Dodge can't help but glance at Taylor's glistening white legs...

 

Landon: Damn, Taylor... haven't you ever owned a pair of shorts?

 

Taylor gives Landon a dirty look.

 

Their attention is quickly diverted to some activity around the perimeter of the pond. Someone or something is making off with their clothes and backpacks. They jump back in the water and swim across the pond to stop the thievery, arriving seconds too late. They're buck naked and out of luck, but then again, aren't we all? I have no idea what that means. Anyway, they soon find a trail of discarded backpack items and torn scraps of clothing. Taylor finds his snack cracker box empty and yells "THOSE BASTARDS!" The guys manage to find enough clothing remnants to decently cover themselves. The astronauts come to a lush clearing and discover that the little thieving scamps are actually wild primitive humans. They observe the humans in caveman-like clothing foraging through a cornfield and shaking fruit from a tree down to the others, much like animals would behave. Taylor and his comrades help themselves to some melons.

(Reality Check- Hey everybody, let's review the overall situation so far...
Question: You're an astronaut and you've just crash-landed on an alien world. You don't know what kind of beings may inhabit this planet. You encounter what seems to be scarecrows, an obvious tip-off that some level of intelligent life exists here [I think that this would freak out any sensible person]. Do you lay low, staying alert with pistol in hand as you cautiously explore your surroundings, making sure that there is no threat to your life? Answer: Hell, no! You make a mad dash directly to the pond and go swimmin.' Says so in the Astronaut Handbook. Does one guy guard the clothing and backpacks while the others bathe, just in case? Are you crazy? What a waste of valuable swimmin' time. Just yell "Yay, yay, yay" and jump right in!)

 

Meanwhile, back at the pumpkin patch...

"I shall name this place "Taylor Towne."

Taylor: Well, at least they haven't tried to bite us.

Dodge: Blessed thou art the vegetarians.

Landon: Huh?"______"

 

(Taylor has his sights set on a black-haired little cutie munching away on some fruit.)

 

Taylor: They look more or less human...I think they're cute!

Landon: We got off at the WRONG stop.

Taylor: You're supposed to be the optimist, Landon. Look on the bright side...if this is the best they've got around here, in six months we'll be running this planet.

"What was that... did you hear something?..."

One of the wild male humans cautiously approaches the three astronauts, making an oddly familiar hand gesture with his index and middle fingers in a 'V' shape, the fingers moving back and forth, inches in front of his mouth, pantomiming some act, as if he was asking for something...

Suddenly, the air is filled with the bizarre sound of an howling, animalistic horn-like sound (.aiff 62k) that echoes through the valley, startling the astronauts. The wild humans automatically run away, panic-stricken as if they know that this is the signal for something really, really bad.

Landon gives an arrogant, knowing look to Taylor...

 

Landon (in a smug, singing-like voice): I bet I know what that is...

Taylor: Man, are YOU going to get it...

 

 

Part 3: Capture

(Children of the corn)

 

This parody ©2003 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire

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