Planet of the Apes

 

Part 5.
My Name is Taylor, Dammit!
(and don't you forget it!)


Hey, how are you doing? Are you enjoying the story so far? You might want to get up and stretch, go to the restroom, or get some refreshments before we resume. I'll wait for you here...

(pause)

Feel better? Ready? OK, let's rock...

After our last chapter where Zira discovers that Taylor can write, she takes him from the cage compound to the office of her fiance, Cornelius, to show off the latest development with Taylor. The scene opens as Taylor is clearly frustrated and tired, sitting with Zira at a table while Cornelius is standing, shuffling pages of Taylor's handwritten notes. Zira gives Taylor a reassuring pat on the hand as Cornelius has a disbelieving and skeptical look on his face..

Cornelius (laughing): It's a stunt! Humans can't write!

Zira: Dear, you're a scientist... don't you believe your own eyes?

Cornelius looks at Taylor and sighs...

Cornelius: Where did you learn to do this?

Cornelius (slowly reading Taylor's note): "Jefferson...Public...School...Fort Wayne, Indiana."

Taylor nods affirmatively...

Cornelius (sarcastically): Back on that planet you say you came from?

Taylor nods yes.

Cornelius: Uh huh... (laughs) Maybe he is intelligent... but he's also crazy.

Zira: Cornelius! Cornelius... please!

Taylor fires off another note and hands it to Zira...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "Dodge was killed in the hunt. What happened to... Landon?"

Zira: I don't know.

Cornelius (still in sarcastic tone): They fell out of the sky with you?

Taylor writes another message...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "Not fell,...flew!"

Cornelius: Flight is a scientific impossibility!

Zira: And even if it weren't, why fly? Where would it get you?

Cornelius and Zira watch as Taylor throws a piece of paper, folded in a way they never seen before, and it soars up to an arc and glides softly back to the ground. Zira and Cornelius are stunned. Cornelius picks up the strange object to examine it closely as Taylor writes another note and gives it to Zira...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "Do you have any more snack crackers?"

Taylor shakes an empty box at them...

Zira: No, sorry, Taylor... you just ate our last three boxes.

Disappointed and still hungry, Taylor gives Zira yet another note...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "Damn you... Well, then, do you have maps?"

Cornelius leads Taylor over to the other side of the room and unrolls a crudely drawn map...

Cornelius: (clearing throat) We're here...you were captured here.

Zira (interpreting Taylor's hand gestures): You fell into the water here? You came ashore...marched across the desert? Mountains? Many days and nights? And reached the jungle?

Cornelius: Out of the question!

 

Taylor angrily slams the map down and storms off across the room...

 

Zira: Cornelius, why do you insist on provoking him?

Cornelius: No creature can survive in the Forbidden Zone. I know, I've been there, I've seen it!

A split-second after Cornelius makes this statement, Taylor somehow already has a reply to him written out, quicker than is humanly possible. He must have started writing it when Cornelius first opened his mouth to speak, psychically predicting what he would say. Taylor hands the note to Zira...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "Then how do you account for me?"

Cornelius: I don't...and I'm not going to try.

(silence)

Taylor sits down and labors over his next note for a minute and then hands it to Zira...

Zira: Oh my!!!....

 

(long silence)

 

(I'm getting really tired of these two hairballs...)

 

Cornelius: Why, I never...!!

Taylor scribbles another message...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "There's more where that came from, Nanner-head!"

 

(silence)

 

Zira: Uh... anyway... what about your theory, Cornelius? The existence of someone like Taylor might prove it!

Cornelius: Zira! Do you want to get my head chopped off like in Taylor's drawing?

Zira: Don't be foolish! If it's true, they'll have to accept it.

Cornelius: (laughing) Oh, no they won't.

Taylor nudges Zira and gestures for an explanation...

Zira (speaking to Taylor): Cornelius has developed the most brilliant hypothesis...

Cornelius: But I'm probably wrong.

Zira: ... that the ape evolved from a lower order of primate... possibly Man.

With this comment, Taylor immediately tries to react by speaking but grabs his throat in pain.

Zira: In his trip to the Forbidden Zone, he discovered traces of a culture older than recorded time.

Cornelius: The evidence was very meager!

Zira: You didn't think so then.

Cornelius: That was before Dr. Zaius and half of the academy said that my idea was heresy.

Zira: How can scientific truth be heresy? What if Taylor is exactly the truth you needed? A mutation... a missing link between the unevolved primate and the ape!

Iin protest of Zira's statement, Taylor slams his head down on the table so hard it makes an indention in the wood...

Cornelius: Touchy, isn't he?

Taylor writes another note...

Zira (reading Taylor's note): "I am NOT a missing link!"

Cornelius: Well, if you were a missing link, the Sacred Scrolls wouldn't be worth their parchment.

Zira: Well... maybe they're not!

Cornelius: (laughing) Oh no... no thank you! I'm not going to get into that battle.

Zira: Cornelius, show some strength!

Cornelius: Zira, listen to me! Now, we both have fine futures... marriage... stimulating careers. I'm wearing big boy pants now!

Suddenly, the door opens and Dr. Zaius, along with a midget-sized orangutan and two Gorilla soldiers, enters the room unexpectedly. Zaius is startled to see Taylor...

Cornelius: Dr. Zaius!

Dr. Zaius: Hello idiots. You know Dr. Minimus, of course, our Commissioner of Animal Affairs...

Cornelius: Where? Oh, there you are! It's a pleasure to see you again.

Dr. Minimus: What is that?

Zira: A man, Dr. Minimus.

Dr. Minimus: I know it's a man, stupid...and you know the rules. No animals allowed outside the compound, and most especially not without a leash.

Zira: Uh, yes sir.. but...but this creature is a special case.

Dr. Minimus: Why special?

Zira: Uh... we're conducting a new experiment.

Dr. Zaius: Wouldn't that more properly be done in your office?

Zira: Yes, sir.

Dr. Minimus: Guards... return this beast to the compound.

The two gorilla soldiers put a muzzle on Taylor's face and take him out of the room...

Dr. Zaius: What is this?

Dr. Zaius picks up the paper airplane that Taylor made earlier...

Zira: A toy. It floats on the air.

Cornelius: Zira!

Zira: Try it!

Dr. Zaius: Nonsense!

Dr. Zaius wads up the paper airplane and drops it to the floor. He then turns and starts to exit the room along with Dr. Minimus and the two gorilla guards...

Cornelius: (clears throat): Um... Dr. Zaius?

Dr. Zaius turns around to face Cornelius...

Dr. Zaius: Yes, Cornelius?

Cornelius: Aren't you forgetting something...?

Dr. Zaius: I don't believe so. Why?

Cornelius: I hope it was an innocent accident...

Dr. Zaius: What are you talking about?

Cornelius: You know damn well what I'm talking about. You wadded up that piece of paper and just dropped into the floor, walked off and left it there... a foot away from the wastebasket. What's that all about?

Dr. Zaius: Oh, that. Yes...that was for dramatic effect... to make my point about the foolish impossibility of flight. Worked rather well, wouldn't you say?

Cornelius: Well, regardless of your theatrics... get your orange ass back over there and pick it up... now.

Dr. Zaius: I beg your pardon?

Cornelius: You heard me, you pompous old fart. You think you're so high and mighty that you can just drop trash all over someone's office and not pick up after yourself?

Dr. Zaius: I didn't think it was...

Cornelius: You didn't think... that's your problem right there! PICK IT UP! NOW!

Dr. Zaius, with everyone watching, smiles nervously adn walks back over to the paper wad and tosses it into a nearby wastebasket.

Cornelius: That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Zira: Cornelius, please... you've made your point.

Cornelius: And I've had just about enough out of you, too, Zira. EVERYBODY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE... DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Everyone stares at Cornelius in disbelief...

Cornelius: DID I STUTTER? MOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!

Everyone jumps...startled by Cornelius' outburst...and exits the room.

 

The next scene is back at the cage compound where Taylor is being held. Julius is making his rounds and looks in on Taylor and his female companion as two gorilla policemen, soldiers, guards... whatever, they all dress the same... arrive at the entrance. Julius greets them...

Julius: What's up, lieutenant?

Guard: We're taking # 4 over to surgery in five minutes... have him ready.

Julius: How come? The beast's throat's nearly healed!

Guard: It's not his throat this time... the vet's gonna geld him.

("Did somebody just say...GELD him???")

Julius: Dr. Zira won't like it. She wants that pair to mate.

Guard (to other guard): Ah, that's sweet, ain't it?

2nd Guard: Word to the mother.

Guard: Yeah, sweet...but these orders come from Dr. Zaius himself. There's nothing she can do about it.

As the guards walk off, Julius sighs and gets his keys and opens Taylor's cage...

Julius: If only you knew what they're going to do... (chuckles to himself)

Julius slowly approaches Taylor...

Julius: Stay still now... don't give me any trouble!

Suddenly, Taylor surprises Julius and slams him up against the bars of the cage, knocking him unconscious...

(Uh... this is not what it looks like, folks... really.)

The humans in the adjoining cages start going nuts, rattling their cages. Taylor exits his cage, looks around and, without hesitating, leaves his female behind and runs to the exit.

Taylor emerges outside, throws the cage key aside, and runs straight for the steps in front of him...

(Reality Check - Borrowing a gag from the film "Scary Movie," you can plainly see in the photo above that Taylor ignores the sure route to freedom... the nearby forest to his right... and instead heads full steam toward the business district. Maybe he thinks he needs to check out, leave a forwarding address, or something.)

Taylor runs down a street in full view of some chimps shopping, startling them and causing them to scream in fear of their lives... or groceries.

Taylor ducks into the nearest building and runs down a dark hallway...

... where he encounters a funeral in process with an orangutan minister officiating...

Taylor uses his patented "sneaking and hiding around corners" technique to elude his gorilla pursuers...

The ape minister delivers his eulogy...

Minister: Weep if you must, but make an end of sorrow. He lives again. Yes, he has found peace in heaven. He was a model for us all... a gorilla to remember. Hunter, warrior, defender of the faith. Cherished husband, beloved father, generous master. Blessed believer in our Volianisty religion and our holiest and righteous Ape savior, Tennesseius... the Big Orang. Yes, he was a font of simian kindness. The dear departed once said to me, "I never met an ape I didn't get a strange but sensuous tingly feeling from."

Taylor tries to sneak past the funeral, but is detected by a gorilla child...

Gorilla child: Look! It's a man!

...which only results in chaos, screams from female chimpanzees, and a Taylor-style kickfest...

Minister: Heaven's name! Get rid of that creature!

(screams of females)

Minister: Catch him!

(more female screams)

Taylor runs through the sanctuary, hurdling the coffin, with gorillas right on his heels. The orang minister is overwhelmed by the mayhem but finds his wits to remember to say...

Minister: Don't forget to give generously on your way out!!!

Taylor finds his way back outside to the street and is immediately almost trampled by a mounted gorilla soldier. The soldier whips Taylor a couple of times and then two more mounted soldiers ride by and attempt to ensnare Taylor in a net. Well, they do a half-ass job of it and Taylor slips out of the net with no difficulty. Taylor then runs through a street market, pausing momentarily to admire a music box. He comes to his senses, runs through the market making a horrible mess, and grabs one of the poles supporting the market's awning... and, just for the fun of it, uses it to dislodge a mounted gorilla from his ride...

Like the idiot he is, Taylor doesn't take the horse. Instead, like most film characters being chased, he climbs something. Taylor climbs a nearby ladder to the upper level of a building where he is met by the ape equivalent of Will Rogers, standing on an overhead walkway, twirling a net around like a lasso...

Taylor stands there and watches him as the ape does a lot of neat tricks but ends up getting his feet tangled up in the net and falling off the walkway after a bungled attempt to perform a jumprope trick.

Taylor then runs up some steps and enters a sort of small ampitheater with bleacher-like seating. He runs to the top of the seats and is immediately snared around the neck by a gorilla, but successfully gets loose by catapulting him midair down over the seats.

The gorilla makes a whistling sound... like a bomb being dropped... as he plummets to the ampitheater floor below, followed by a big wet thud and an "ooh, that's gonna leave a mark."

Taylor is then pursued by what seems to be the entire ape police force as he leaps from rooftop to rooftop...

The next scene is of a chimpanzee mother and child in a museum. The impatient mother is pulling her son along...

Chimp mom: Come on, Quintus!

Quintus: Ow! Hey, take it easy, you old bat!

Chimp mom: Oh, you're just like your good-for-nothing father...

Quintus: Yeah, right... like you know who my father is...

Taylors enters above at the second floor of the museum...

He looks down at its exhibits and is shocked to see stuffed humans on display in dioramas....

What is especially disturbing about this sight is that it reminds him of a family reunion he once attended in Kentucky which resulted in a discussion that went bad between two rival NASCAR fans...

Taylor scrambles down the circular ramp and pauses momentarily to look at a claw-like fossil/statue. He studies it briefly, shakes his head in confusion, and continues down to the bottom floor and hides behind a pillar. No, not a pillow... a pillar, you know, like a column.

Taylor watches from below at his hiding place near a stuffed human exhibit as two gorilla guards enter the museum overhead from the same entrance. The "stuffed" humans can be seen moving slightly. The guards descend the ramp, pause momentarily to look at the claw-like fossil/statue, shake their heads in confusion, and continue down the ramp. Quintus and his mom walk by and witness armed gorilla guards rushing through the museum. Taylor rounds the pillar and runs right into mother and child, resulting in screams and alerting the guards to Taylor's presence.

Taylor runs past a familiar human on display and backs up to take a closer look... he's horrified to discover that it's his fellow crewmember, DODGE!

(It seems that Ape City Museum's resident taxidermist has a strange and cruel sense of humor)

Behind Taylor, a gorilla takes aim and barely misses Taylor by inches with a shot ricocheting off the wall. Taylor takes off and runs back outside into the street, where he comes face to face with a mob of angry apes.

Then he sees him.

 

 

 

 

Taylor tries to cover his eyes to avoid the stare of Jszampuul, the ApeMaster, but the mystic's evil stare is impossible to avoid.

Taylor drops to his knees in fear of this terrible spectre. "Make it stop! Make it stop" Taylor screams inside his head as he tries to scream out loud but is unable to. "Those eyes! Those eyes!" Taylor can only compare this horror to a bad LSD trip he once experienced at Woodstock. He feels the ApeMaster probing his mind and has the sensation of red-hot pokers being shoved where the sun don't shine. Actually, Taylor kinda likes that part...

Jszampuul, the ApeMaster, and the other apes start doing a silly little dance for no apparent reason...

This being more than he can bear... and being drained of physical (and mental) strength, Taylor falls down upon the dirt street and gives himself a wedgie in the process...

... giving just the right opportunity the inept gorilla guards needed to capture him. From overhead, four gorillas drop down a net, snare Taylor and hoist him up...

The guards turn to thank the ApeMaster but he has mysteriously vanished... gone like the wind, but leaving behind the smell of barbequed beans... his trademark scent.

Zira breaks through the crowd and runs up to Taylor...

Zira: Taylor! Why did you run away?

A gorilla soldier steps up and pulls Zira away from Taylor...

Guard: Security police!

Zira: I'm in charge of this man!

Guard: No longer, madam. He's now in the custody of the Ministry of Science.

The gorilla soldier grabs Taylor to remove him from the net. Taylor turns his head and, in a raspy, hoarse voice, SPEAKS to the apes, uttering these historical words that will forever be implanted in their memories...

Taylor: SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!!!!

Ape Crowd (in unison): HUH???!!!

 

(hushed silence)

 

Director: CUT! CUT! Cut, damn it, cut! Chuck, that's not the line. I can't believe you blew it. One film at a time, idiot...

Charlton Heston: Sorry, boss. I'm tired...and that staring guy threw me off...

Director: OK, OK...(sigh) let's try it again. Roll film... action.

 

Taylor: TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

 

Just as Taylor has regained his voice, the large mob of Ape City citizens... apes that have never heard before a human being talk or even once considered the thought that an intelligent human could ever exist... are speechless, stunned by what they have just witnessed...

(stunned silence)

Ape extra: I'm hungry...

Zira's eyes light up as she realizes that she has quite an extraordinary find in Taylor. She gets an immediate idea... as the words "book deal" flash across her mind.

 

Part 6: The Monkey Trial

 

 

This parody ©2003 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire

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