(After his discussion with Dr. Zaius, Taylor ponders his fate. First, he starts whistling a tune while Julius sits nearby enjoying a cigar)
(Then Taylor starts singing the song that he was whistling...)
Taylor: "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one."
(This gets Julius' attention. He approaches Taylor's cage as he continues his song...)
Taylor: "No is the saddest experience you'll ever know. Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know... 'cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...."
Julius (suddenly): "IT'S JUST NO GOOD ANYMORE SINCE SHE WENT AWAYYYYY... now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday..."
Taylor: "one is the loneliest..."
Julius: "NUMBER ..."
Taylor: "one is the loneliest..."
Julius: "NUMBER ..."
Taylor: "ONE is the loneliest number that you'll ever..."
(Just then, the musical number is interrupted by a rattling of the outer cell door by a young male chimpanzee. Julius goes to the door to see what the visitor wants... )
Lucifer: Are you Julius?
Julius: Who are you?
Lucifer: I'm from the Office of Animal Affairs.
(Julius opens the door)
Lucifer: That male is to be transferred to the zoo.
Julius: At this hour? Who says so?
Lucifer: Don't they tell you anything? The Anti-Vivisectionist Society is up in arms. They're going to save this beast from those butchers in the lab. If he can speak, he belongs in the public zoo... but what will probably happen is that some money-mad grownup will put him in a circus, then we'll have to pay to see what rightfully...
Julius: Stop making speeches and show me the order!
(As Julius walks away looking over the papers, Lucifer signals to Taylor that he is going to ambush Julius with a surprise attack...)
Julius: Huh! This order's no good... it must be countersigned by Dr. Zaius!
Lucifer: GRAB HIM!!!
(Suddenly, Lucifer pushes Julius backwards to Taylor's cage. Taylor holds Julius as Lucifer wallops him with a club...)
Taylor: Whoa... don't you think he's had enough... who the hell are you, anyway?
Lucifer: So you CAN talk! I didn't know if you really could or if I was freakin' from the acid I dropped just before I came in here. I'm Dr. Zira's nephew...this abduction was her idea. You're not really going to the zoo... that's just our story in case somebody stops us. I like torturing horses.
Taylor: Get me out of this!
(Lucifer finishes tying up Julius and unlocks the cage door, letting Taylor out...)
Lucifer: We gotta move fast.. or slow... oh man, I don't know... I'm so messed up right now...
(Taylor rushes out, but takes a look at Nova and makes a decision...)
(Now, what red-blooded American boy could resist this?...)
Taylor: She comes along, too.
Lucifer: Zira doesn't want your female!
Taylor: I want her!
Lucifer: If you insist... but I'm NOT taking any orders! Hey... did I mention that I like to torture horses?
(Taylor grabs the cell keys from Lucifer and frees Nova...)
Taylor: All right... come on, let's go!
(The trio exit the cage compound...)
(Lucifer motions for Taylor and Nova to stay hidden for the moment while he scrambles off in search of Zira. Taylor lets out what he calls a "freedom" fart as they wait. It's not long before its presence is detected by Nova...)
Taylor (changing the subject): Did I tell you about Stewart? Now there was a lovely girl. The most precious cargo we'd brought along. She was to be the new Eve. With our hot and eager...
(Taylor is interrupted by the arrival of Zira...)
Zira: I told you not to bring the other one!
Lucifer: He wouldn't leave her!
Zira: Oh, all right... come on! Whew! What is that smell?...
(Zira, Lucifer, Taylor and Nova run towards a caged wagon that is waiting nearby...)
Zira: Here... put this on... I made it special for you... come on... be a good boy for Mama Z, now...
Taylor: Don't you have any other clothes for me?
Lucifer: What do you expect... an ape's new suit?
Taylor: This outfit is stupid!
Zira: Well, so are you... like all men. Taylor, remember, all men look alike to most apes... so put it on and keep quiet and we may just get away with this! Hurry!
(The four... now fugitives... start on the first leg of their escape...)
(Taylor dozes off and on throughout the trip...)
Taylor (talking in his sleep): Auntie Em....flying monkeys...no place like home.... oil can... lion humping leg... sexy scarecrow on a post...
(Further on down the road, at a prearranged meeting place, Cornelius is waiting with extra horses loaded with supplies...)
(Zira rushes out to greet Cornelius...)
Taylor: HEY! You two get a room! Come on! Who duct-taped the door shut? Let me out of this!
(Lucifer undoes the cage's door latch and lets Taylor and Nova out...)
Taylor: OK, listen up... I'm gonna need some clean socks, TX-9, a 5 pound sack full of rope cut into 3 inch segments, a turtleneck sweater with the sleeves cut off, a phonograph needle, some' get well soon' cards, a red and white cheerleading pom pom, some lighter fluid, a turquoise ankle bracelet, a dozen manilla envelopes, and some pancake mix.
Lucifer: What can I do?
Taylor: I want you to stay away from the horses, you psychotic freak.
Cornelius: Is that all?
Taylor: Do you have any weapons... any guns?
Cornelius: The best... but we won't need them.
Taylor: I'm glad to hear it... I want one anyway.
(Taylor walks away in defiance of Cornelius' "authority." Cornelius is flustered with outrage...)
(Cornelius runs up to Taylor, who is helping himself to a rifle and ammo...)
Cornelius: Now look here, Taylor, I'm in charge of this expedition!
Taylor: Good for you! But you're not in charge of me... not any more. I don't plan to be caught again.
Cornelius: But we defended you... helped you escape... we put our reputations on the line and now we're fugitives like you! How can you turn on us like this?
Taylor: It's easy. That was the "needy" Taylor you knew back in Ape City. I had to do what I had to do. I am the "man" in "manipulation," baby. Get it? Now that I'm out of that hellhole, I'm back to my old Landon-slappin self and I'm not taking orders from you or any other hairy-assed, feces-flingin', knuckle-draggin', lice-pickin', banana-suckin', tree-swingin'...
Zira: We GET the message, Taylor.
(Cornelius can hardly contain his anger...)
Taylor: You got something to say to me, Monkey Man?
Cornelius: As you wish... you big doo-doo head.
Taylor (sarcastically): Ooh, you got me... "doo-doo head"... that hurts. Zinged me right in the tenders...
Zira: "Doo-doo head'? That was your best shot? Really, Cornelius!
Taylor: Anyhoo, Dr. Zaius seemed to think there was another jungle beyond the Forbidden Zone. I'll try for that. What about you?
Zira: Cornelius and I have been indicted for heresy. Unless we can prove our theories, we don't stand a chance of acquittal.
Taylor: You're going back to the Forbidden Zone?
Cornelius: We're going back to the diggings I worked at over a year ago. It's a three day ride across the desert... and near the place where you claim you landed from that planet of yours.
Taylor: Still don't believe me, do you?
Cornelius: It's a long detour to Dead Lake... what would we find?
Taylor: Nothing much... an empty rubber life raft, empty snack cracker boxes, some stained underwear, maybe a little flag... the emblem of my countrymen.
Lucifer: A little fag?
Taylor: I said FLAG, crackhead!
Cornelius: The terrain around that lake is poisonous. There's no fresh water, no vegetation... nothing.
Taylor: Well... anyway, I ought to thank you for saving me... you'll be in trouble for that.
Zira: We've been in trouble since the moment we met you.
(Suddenly, Nova starts getting excited and going berserk...)
Zira: What's she pointing at?
Taylor: Oh crap.... I think she just spotted the gift shop...
(Taylor tries to calm Nova down...)
Taylor: Nova, no. Nova, Nova... not right now... it's not safe! Nova! I'll get you a souvenir later... I promise!
Cornelius: You're not going to get her anything later, are you?
Cornelius: Lousy human bastard.
Zira: Yeah, OK... well... we'd better get started. If the mounted police pick up our trail, they'll come this far at least.
Cornelius: Right... let's get the water and provisions into the wagon.
(The next several scenes show the group traveling out of the Ape City vicinity, through rural Ape County and back into the barren areas that Taylor and his fellow astronauts traveled on their earlier ill-fated hike. The group encounters several mysteries of the Forbidden Zone along the way...)
Taylor: "Rollin', rollin', rollin' ...though the streams are swollen... keep them dogies rollin' Rawhide! ... Move 'em on, head 'em up...head 'em up, move 'em on... move 'em on, head 'em up! Rawhide! Count 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, count 'em out, count 'em out, ride 'em in...
R A W H I D E !!!! "
(The caravan comes to a stop at a large chasm overlooking a desert river several hundred feet below...)
(Taylor and Lucifer go to one side of the divide while Cornelius remains on the other side...)
Taylor (shouting across chasm): Cornelius! Where does this river lead to?
Cornelius: It flows into a sea some miles from here! That's where we'll find the diggings!
Taylor: And beyond that?
Cornelius: I don't know. You can't ride along the shore at high tide... and we had no boats on our last expedition.
Taylor: You never told me... why do you call this the Forbidden Zone?
Cornelius: No one knows. It's an ancient taboo... set forth in the Sacred Scrolls. The Lawgiver pronounced this whole area deadly.
Taylor: I bet I could... oh, never mind.
Cornelius: You bet you could what?
Taylor: I was going to say that I bet I could jump over this chasm... but I don't want to show off in front of you apes.
Cornelius: Are you implying that an ape couldn't do it?
Taylor: Well... yes, but... nah... let's just forget I mentioned it.
Cornelius: Apes are superior to man and I can prove it!
Taylor: No, that's not necessary...
Zira: Cornelius... don't!
Cornelius: Here I come!...
Cornelius: AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! TAYLOR, YOU SON OF A...
Lucifer: Shouldn't we be moving on?
Taylor: I'm for that!
Cornelius (echoing from bottom of chasm): Hey everybody, I'm, OK! Hello? HELLO????
Coming soon...stay tuned for
This parody ©2003 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire