MEN DATING WOMEN
a man of passion. Yes, I admit it. I love the ladies and they
love me. I understand that not everyone can have a headband
of ecstasy (see photo above) to attract and excite the
womenfolk and work them into a breathless frenzy, so I have
compiled an invaluable list of foolproof tips to help you guys
out there to excel in dating in today's world. I'm damn good
at the art of love and my methods are a friggin' work of genius.
Follow my advice and make me proud, boys.
Official Dating Season:
Official Dating Season is March 1 to November 1 of each year.
The reasoning behind this seven-month season? Avoidance of Thanksgiving,
Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. In other words,
not having to purchase gifts, expensive dinners and champagne,
or having to meet annoying families.
may have noticed that there is an two-week period between Valentine's
Day and the start of the season. This is a pre-season warm-up
time where you can pick up some babes who had a disappointing
Valentine's Day. Also, there is a two to three-week period between
the end of the season and Thanksgiving. This is ample time for
a breakup to head into the off-season.
may also want to try to find a date whose birthday falls in
the off-season. Dating is expensive enough without a stinkin'
birthday forced on you.
for the date, dressing, grooming tips, secrets:
ahead for your date. Call the emergency room and tell them
to be on standby.
all of the waivers and release forms to her a few days before
the date. Include mission statement.
sure she has signed and has notarization on all of the waivers
and release forms before the date commences.
breakaway Velcro pants for quick and easy access. This also
cuts down on delays in the action.
old saying is true: Women love a man in a uniform. However,
a Revolutionary War uniform might be pushing it a bit.
to wear steel-toed boots... important for prevention of slammed
doors and refused entry into her house.
an "enhancement" like a cucumber or potato down your pants.
Note: Make sure to put item down the front of your
out the English Leather until you're sure she's the one. There's
no use in wasting the good stuff on a questionable prospect.
Save the Juice.
On a similar
note, having your date's name tattooed on your neck is a bit
premature and may give her the wrong impression.
- Wear dry pants. Trust
me on this one.
your vehicle for the date, equipment needed:
sure to remove and hide the garden hose you attached from
the tailpipe to the back window.
U-Haul trailer attached to your car may not a good first impression
on that all-important first date.
your car is filled to the brim with all your clothes, make
sure they are folded neatly.
a big cardboard box labeled "condoms" in plain view in the
back seat of your car.
a pair of sharp scissors handy in case of brassiere unfastening
a first date, bring a cross and some holy water... just in
case. You never know about these broads.
should go without saying that you should bring your pistol...
that is, a gun. Not to impress her, but you just might need
arriving at her house to pick her up for the evening, collect
the date fees. This is very important.
her a gift on the first date, a thoughtful gesture to let
her know that you have been thinking about her. Hint: Crotchless
lingerie is good.
sure she is completely inside the car before you "punch it."
for a pleasurable dining experience, conversation do's and don'ts:
her to a nice restaurant, take her hand so she may not slip
on peanut shells on the floor.
the first date, try to refrain from using the phrase "induced
vomiting" more than three times during the conversation.
your date has a slightly noticeable trace of a mustache, restrain
from mentioning it, and whatever you do, DO NOT strike a match
the urge to slap her senseless when she repeatedly asks you
"Whatcha' thinking 'bout?" or constantly urges you to "Smile!"
mention your stretch in prison unless she brings it up first.
No one likes a braggart.
boast that you've had four feet of your colon surgically removed
unless you really did. A woman's intuition will tell her you
dinner, if you are going to use the "pull my finger"
routine with your date, make sure you have something impressive
ready at the threshold. Don't disappoint her with a dud.
that you are a government secret agent. Impress her and make
her feel special by confiding that you are taking a big chance
by being out in public with her. (That way, if she happens
to see you later at your McDonald's job, you can just give
her a "don't blow my cover" knowing look and she
will be none the wiser.)
the restaurant, make sure you say "Excuse me" before going
to the bathroom... in your pants while remaining at the table.
During the process, grip her hand firmly if you need to.
during dinner and throughout the date. If she asks you why
you are doing this, explain to her that you have a classier,
prettier, and more important date coming up soon. Tell her
the upcoming date is "for all the marbles."
are going to use coupons for a discount on the cost of the
dinner, make sure they are trimmed out neatly. Scissors skills
are a big turn-on to chicks.
the bill for the dinner is more than you have with you, commence
with the fake seizures. Better yet, excuse yourself from her
company and leave the table to go to the bathroom... at your
if you're underfunded when the bill rolls around, excuse yourself
from the table and go use the telephone. Call 911 with a bogus
emergency... the bigger the better. When the paramedics, police,
fire department, and rescue helicopter arrive, you and your
date can slip out unnoticed during the confusion.
dinner, it's always a nice gesture to invite your date out
to the playground area of the restaurant. Let her go down
the slide first.
you smoke at the table after dinner, use an ashtray. Extinguishing
your cigarette on your date's forehead is frowned upon in
most social situations.
entering the preselected nightclub destination, make sure
to get a table in nearest vicinity to
strippers, preferably near the pole.
you happen to drink too much, don't bring this fact to her
attention. Surprise her. Give her a ride home that she will
lucky, taking your date to your swingin' bachelor pad:
her to your place for a little romance. Give your live-in
crackwhore bitch $20 and tell her to make herself scarce for
a couple of hours.
sure all of the poster-size surveillance photos of your date
are put away. Likewise with the floor plans to her house or
videos can sometimes help a nervous date get in the mood...
just make sure not to show that homemade one starring you
and your mom.
her a tour of your pad. Let her meet your previous dates...
you know, the ones in the basement.
her to sleep after the lovin' with a song you just wrote yesterday.
some sensitivity to her needs and wait until at least 15-20
minutes after the lovefest is over before you head out to Denny's
for the Grand Slam Breakfast.
you sense that your date isn't going well, I've got one word
for you: pharmaceuticals. There are several "date enhancement"
aids out there in pill and
your date and make her more cooperative. I've used "E-Z-Date,"
"Sweet Dreamz," and "Lightz Out" with much success. I've found
that any date aid with a "z" in its name will work fine for
your date back
to her house:
if your date is a failure, remain a gentlemen and bring your
car to a complete stop before shoving her out the door.
course, when you take her home, you should tell her that you
will call her. Resist the urge to laugh uncontrollably when
you say this.
the date, evasion techniques:
day after the date send her flowers accompanied with a suicide
note. Call her up and explain that you sent the wrong note
with the flowers. Ask her to kindly return the note, and
see if she wants to go out again the following Saturday
night. (I know, I know, I have no idea what this tip
her that you are a secret agent, and that you will be contacting
her later... after a two-month mission in Spain.
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