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Regis Philbin:
Now join us from New York for night 69 of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!!!
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Regis: OK, we're
back with our current contestant, Brian Hamby from... well,
it says here "none of your damn business." Care to elaborate on
that?
Brian: No.
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Regis: (eyeing
Brian suspiciously) Well...uh..OK, let's get started...wait... hold
on just a second...
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Regis: PFSSFFFPHHHT!!!...oh
yeah... that was sweet...
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Brian: You're
a freak, Philbin.
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Regis:
OK, NOW I'm ready!
Let's
play WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!!!
(music)
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Regis: OK Mystery
Man Brian from parts unknown, you've currently got $300 and you're
now going for the $500 question. Just a reminder...you have two
of your lifelines left (50:50, Phone-A-Friend), and you've already
used your Ask the Audience lifeline.
Brian: I'm very
well aware of what I have left, Philbin.
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Regis: OK, OK.
Jeez... Are you ready to play WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?!!!
Brian: Get on
with it, you pompous ass.
Regis: Well, OK....HA,
HA, HA, HA...This is for $500...
Which of the following
is not normally considered a food item? A. Apple, B. Bread, C. Hamburger,
D. Regis Philbin
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Brian: Hmmmm...
this is a trick question because C and D are the same. OK,
the answer is B. Bread.
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Regis:
Is that your final answer?
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Brian: No! No!
Wait....let's see, I've already used my audience lifeline on the
"What color is an egg white?" question....so...COULD I HAVE
A 50-50?
Regis: 50:50?
OK, fine, we can do that, Brian. Computer, please take away two
of the wrong answers, leaving two possible answers, one of which
is the correct response.
Which of the following
is not normally considered a food item? C. Hamburger, D. Regis Philbin
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Brian: Yep, that's
what I thought it would be. Very cute... Oh my sweet Lord...you
know....some people would probably think it was hamburger....it
might sound ludicrous to pick "Regis Philbin"....but....geez, what
would my first impression be??? Hmmm... Well, Regis, well....well....uh....I
guess, I....guess....well, I guess I'd have to say......ah....
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Brian: Regis,
I think I'll just take my $8,000 and walk away. Don't want to tempt
fate...or anything else!!
Regis: Brian,
you only have $300!
Brian: Well, yes,
but if I'm going to quit, I want $8,000. I can't quit for LESS.
I have standards, you know.
Regis: Brian,
you have to answer this question and the next five correctly to
win $8000, which you have not done yet. If you walk away now, you
will receive only $300. You can't just expect to quit and receive
$8,000. These are the rules.
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Brian: Well, they's
just goin' to have to change. If not, somebody's ass might get whupped.
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Regis: (stunned
silence)
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(10 minutes pass as Brian
stares at his console, muttering to himself) |
Regis: (long
sigh)
Brian, are you
going to answer the damn question? THIS IS ONLY A ONE HOUR SHOW,
YOU KNOW!
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Brian: Huh?...
Oh yeah... I'd like to phone my friend Susan, Regis.
Regis: Susan Regis?
Brian: No, her
last name isn't Regis... I meant...
Regis: OK. Our
friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan Regis...
Brian: Whatever...
dumbass.
(dialing...)
(dialing...)
(dialing...)
Regis: Brian,
Susan Regis doesn't seem to be answering. Would you like to call
another friend?
Brian: No, Regis,
I think I'm just going to go for it...
Regis: Gutsy move,
my friend.
Brian: Well, Regis,
I used to be in the apple, bread, and hamburger selling business
so I'm going to have to go with, uhmm, "D". and that's my final
answer...
Regis: Is that
your final answer?
Brian: I just
said it was, didn't I?
Regis: D. Regis
Philbin? YOU'RE RIGHT!! YOU'VE JUST WON $500!
(applause)
Brian: Boy, that
was a close one!!! I'd like to thank all the people who weren't
worth a crap in helping me out! Are we going to commercial? Where's
the bathroom, Reeg?
Regis: Hold on
there a second, lamebrain... I call the shots around here.
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Brian: Apparently,
you must not know just who I am or what I am capable of.
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Regis: Yeah, I
guess not...uh...OK, Brian, you now have $500 and are going for
$1,000...
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Brian: I'm dead
serious.
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Regis: Calm down
there, Chief. OK, moving along...for $1,000...
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Which of the following
is a structure used to live in? A. Feather, B. Barbeque Sauce, C.
House, D. Regis Philbin
Regis: Let me
remind you that you still have your Phone-A-Friend lifeline available.
Brian: Mmmmm....
Structure used to live in.......uh, I'm going to use that phone
a friend... I'm going to phone my internet savvy friend Teresa,
Regis...
Regis: Teresa
Regis? Is she Susan's sister?
Brian: Just shut
up and call her...ingrate.
Regis: OK. Our
friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan's sister, Teresa...
Brian: Sister
Teresa? I thought she was dead? Heh, heh, heh...
(silence)
Regis: That's
Mother Teresa.
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Brian: Oh. Well,
I was just making a joke because you misheard me about Susan's last
name being Regis, so I thought I would do the same when you said
"sister, Teresa." You see what I was doing there? Heh, heh, heh,
eh?...
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Regis: (silent...
and staring at Brian with incomprehension. The
audience is also totally silent and a cricket can be heard chirping
in the distance)
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Brian: Never mind.
Regis: OK. Our
friends at ATT will get us in touch with Susan's sister, Teresa
Regis...
(dialing...)
(dialing...)
(dialing...)
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Regis: Brian,
we're getting no response from Teresa. This now confirms my suspicion
that all women hate you, as do I. Would you like to call a male
friend? I am sure that you have many...
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(Regis and audience burst
out laughing)
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Brian: Prepare
for a major ass-whuppin', PHIL-BINE!
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Regis: Whoa, just
a minute there, Tiger... it seems now that we've got Teresa on the
line. Teresa?
Teresa: Uh...
hello?...
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Regis: Hello Teresa,
this is REGIS PHILBIN with WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE...
I know you can't see us right now, but we've got your friend Brian
here. Brian has $500 and is going for $1000 and he needs your help...
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Teresa: Brian,
are you out of your mind? Don't you realize that they're still looking
for you?... |
Brian: Heh, heh,
heh... she's such a kidder...
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Regis: Yeah...
well, Teresa, Brian will get on the line and ask you a question
followed by four possible answers. You have 30 seconds... starting
now.
Brian: Teresa,
Which of the following is a structure used to live in? A. Feather,
B. Barbeque Sauce, C. House, D. Regis Philbin.
Teresa: Hmmm.
Let's see...
A. Feather - one of
the light horny epidermal outgrowths that form the external covering
of the body of birds and that consist of a shaft bearing on each
side a series of barbs which bear barbules which in turn bear barbicels
commonly ending in hooked hamuli and interlocking with the barbules
of an adjacent barb to link the barbs into a continuous vane.
Hmmmm, Nope.
B. Barbecue Sauce
- a condiment or relish for food that adds zest or piquancy.
Nope.
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C. House - a zodiacal
sign that is the seat of a planet's greatest influence; or a legislative,
deliberative, or consultative assembly especially one constituting
a division of a bicameral body; or the circular area 12 feet in
diameter surrounding the tee and within which a curling stone must
rest in order to count.
Oh, wait... I seem to
recall a house is also a building that serves as living quarters
for one or a few families. Brian, it's C.
Brian: That's
what I was thinking, too.
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(Regis and
audience stare at Brian, not believing him) |
Brian: No, really
I was...
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Brian: So, I'll
go with C. House. That's my final answer.
Regis: Is that
your final answer?
Brian: I JUST
SAID IT WAS IT WAS MY FINAL ANSWER!!! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, OLD MAN????
(long dramatic pause)
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Regis: WELL, IT'S
A GOOD ONE!!!! YOU'VE JUST WON $1,000!
(applause)
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Regis:
Congratulations, Brian. There it is, Big Guy... |
Regis: I was
a little disappointed that Teresa didn't have a detailed definition
of Regis Philbin...
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(suddenly, there
is a commotion and an army of police in riot gear rush in...) |
Police Captain:
THERE HE IS, MEN!!!! GET HIM!!!!!!!!
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Regis: I SWEAR
SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!!!!!!!!!
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Police Captain:
NOT YOU, MORON!!!!!!!! GRAB HAMBY!!!!!!!!!
Brian: (snatches
check out of Regis' hand) Well, I gotsta go. I'll take that!...
(Suddenly, Brian throws
a pink panty bomb at Regis, hitting him directly in the groin, exploding
in a blinding flash with clouds of thick pink smoke...)
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Regis: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
FINAL ANSAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!
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Regis Philbin suffered
2nd degree burns on his crotch (it's not like he ever used it, anyway).
He was treated and released from a New York area hospital and is
now resting comfortably at home. Like the slippery eel that he is,
Brian Hamby escaped once again from another feeble attempt by law
enforcement authorities to corner and trap this master of deception.
Hamby has been placed on the FBI's 10 Most Annoying Offenders List.
The search continues...
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