Matt Lauer: Good morning, everyone and welcome back to Today. If you're just now joining us, the top news story is one of an escaped felon who has taken over the Sunsphere in downtown Knoxville, Tennessee. We return live to...
Katie Couric: Well, I'll be damned... those idiots...that stupid graphic is wrong. I'll be right back...
Matt: OK...like I was saying...we return live to our correspondent David Gregory who is live at the Sunsphere in Knoxville. David, what is the latest?
David Gregory: Matt, federal and local authorities have been unsuccessful in negotiating with Hamby as he is at times incoherent and belligerant. Hamby has made no demands as of yet so police still have no idea what his motives are. Communication is difficult as Hamby has a boombox and has been playing the early 80s hit "The Safety Dance" over and over repeatedly without pausing. Oh...wait a second...Matt, I'm being told that he did play "Tainted Love" once... but mostly it has been "The Safety Dance." Authorities have stated that they have never encountered anything like this before.
Matt: What is the public's reaction to this in Knoxville?
David Gregory: Well, some remember his appearance on "Millionaire" six months ago, but many don't know of him. Nonetheless, protesting and picketing has begun among people with lots of time on their hands with nothing better to do. As you can see from these video shots around the downtown Knoxville area, the public has started to get involved in a big way...
Matt: Wow. Hamby's sure got the town in an uproar.
David Gregory: Damn straight.
Matt: What exactly are they protesting for or against?
David Gregory: They're not really sure, Matt. Some signs and banners read "Let Hamby Go!", "There's a Sailor in the Shanty!", "Bring Home Some Milk!", and "I'm a Pretty Ballerina!" Different factions have formed and there has been some violence between them even though they sometimes have had to pause during the fighting and remind themselves what side they're on. Very amazing for a situation that is just over an hour old. These are professional and dedicated protesters here, Matt.
Matt: David, is there any indication of a...
Katie: I'm back. That's much better. Remind me to fire that idiot in graphics, OK, I'll take it from here, sissy-boy. Joining David Gregory at the site of the Sunsfear in Knoxville is Special Agent Adam White from the FBI to give us some insight from the point of view of law enforcement authorities concerning the Sunsfear situation. Good morning, sir.
White: Good morning, Katie.
Katie: Agent White, do you anticipate capturing this extremely dangerous serial killer soon? How long will you let him stay up there? This show ends at 9:00.
White: Well, Ms. Couric, first, we're not letting him stay up there. We are being careful and proceeding slowly and safely as to not upset the current situation. Second, nobody's actually been killed and I wouldn't call Hamby a...
Katie: Agent White, has the airplane wreckage been spotted yet?
White: Airplane wreckage? Uh... what are you talking abou...
Katie: What is the Coast Guard's current progress in recovering the wreckage and have they got a body count yet and if so, have you spoken to the county coroner about the condition of the bodies? Have they found any knees or fingers yet? A head, perhaps? Please tell me you've found a head.
White: THERE AREN'T ANY BODIES TO COUNT!
Katie: Do you believe I am a powerful woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, yet can show her feminine side without humiliating herself or letting society judge or degrade her on terms other than her own?
White: OK, that's it, I'm outta here.
Katie: Agent White, do you believe the influence of MTV's curious infatuation with N'SYNC has played a large part in this tragedy? Agent White?
Katie: Agent White, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???
Katie: Obviously, the FBI is refusing to comment on this subject at this time.
Al: Willard? WILLARD??? HEY WILLARD!!! Well, it seems that we're having some technical diffic...
Willard Scott: STOP SCREAMING AT ME!
Al: Fine, Willard.
Willard: Thanks, Al. Boy howdy! I'm down South here in New Orleans in Cajun country maxing out my NBC expense account while not really contributing anything to the show except this worthless happy birthday bit to old folks one breath away from seeing Jesus. OK, let's get it over with...
Willard: Happy Birthday from Smuckers to Lillie Mae Wilson of Philadelphia who is 147 years young today and still sharp as a tack. Lillie Mae enjoys nude water skiing, smoking crack, hardcore monkey porno, and sucking the life force out of her great great grandkids in order to survive, bless her heart. Now that's a purty lady. Back to you Matt, Katie, and Al... you dumb bastards...
Katie: Ha, ha, ha. That Willard's certainly a character. Cancel his return flight. Now we go to Ann Curry at the news desk with an update on Brian Hamby, the man holding the Sunsfear hostage in Knoxville. Ann?
Ann Curry: "He's a bloody stinkin' menace!" recording artist Maurice Gibb was once quoted as saying, referring to escaped convict Brian Hamby. Gibb, a member of the disco-era pop group, the Bee Gees, has been a victim of previous Hamby "pink panty' bombings during live concerts in 1978 and 1998. We've just received a videotaped prison interview with Brian Hamby as he talked to reporters in 1989 during his incarceration for a non-Bee Gees offense...stalking Charles Nelson Reilly. Let's roll that footage...
Martha Stewart: ...and your holiday guests are sure to love this festive...
Ann: Well, that...er... seems to be the wrong video.
Katie: Yes, it sure seems so. Nice going, Little-Miss-let's-roll-that-footage.
Katie: Ann, that's two foul ups already. One more and you're going to the punishment chair. Do you understand me?
Katie: DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
Katie: What was that? I didn't quite hear you.
Ann: I said yes.
Katie: LOUDER! LOUDER! I SAID, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???
Ann: I said yes, YES, YES, I UNDERSTAND!...I AM SO, SO, SO VERY SORRY, OK? IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH? IS THAT LOUD ENOUGH? ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
Katie: You better watch that attitude, missy...
Ann: Or what? Wha' you got? Huh? Wha' you got?? BRING IT ON!
Al: (burp) You go, girl.
Ann: Bitch thinks she can dis me... get all in my face. She ain't all that.
Matt: OK, then... huh? ... right. The guys in the booth suggest we break for commercial now and cool everybody off... we'll be back with more of Today after these messages.
(cut to commercial)
Trail of Hamby - The Capture
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