Katie Couric: We're back with Today's coverage of the incredible events that have taken place this morning in Knoxville, Tennessee, where escaped convict and advice columnist Brian Hamby has been atop the Sunsfear, holding that city's most noticable landmark hostage. Hamby has kept law enforcement authorities at bay all morning to the point where he "pink panty bombed" a musical concert that apparently was not to his liking. Immediately after that incident, frustrated police used a helicopter in a desparate attempt to dislodge Hamby from his position. It worked, but incredibly, after a gun battle, Hamby also panty bombed the helicopter and it crashed into the Sunsphere and exploded. The impact knocked Hamby off the Sunsphere and to his apparent death. We rejoin David Gregory live at the scene. David?...

David Gregory: Katie, it has been a morning to remember here in Knoxville. Not only for the events that have transpired here at the Sunsphere, but also for a new personal-best record of the number of times I have soiled my pants.

Katie: OK, David... uh... now, I'm going to ask this one more time today. DO WE HAVE A BODY COUNT and WHAT ARE THE CONDITION OF THE BODIES?

David Gregory: Katie, the helicopter that exploded consisted of a crew of five, plus a dog from the police K-9 unit. So, the body count is at five... six if you count the dog. As you can see behind me, the Sunsphere is still burning from the crash, the wreckage of the helicopter is visible jutting out from the flames, and the fire department has not yet approached the flaming structure to attempt to extinquish the fires.

Katie: Sweet.

David Gregory: Also, I would say the helicopter crew's bodies are burned beyond recognition, Katie.

Katie: What about Hamby's body? Has it been recovered yet? If so, what was in his pockets?

David Gregory: Oddly enough, there has been no report on Hamby since his plunge from the Sunsphere's top. Hang on... wait... Katie, I'm being told that the FBI is just about to make a statement to the press... let's go to that now...

FBI Special Agent Richard Blevins: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Agent Richard Blevins of the Knoxville office of the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation. I have a brief statement concerning the events that transpired at the Sunsphere in downtown Knoxville this morning. After a two and a half standoff atop the Sunsphere, Brian Hamby hurled an explosive device, a "pink panty bomb," at a Knoxville police helicopter, causing it to crash into the Sunsphere. Sadly, the helicopter crew is dead. The aircraft's crash jarred the structure of the Sunsphere which resulted in Mr. Hamby losing his footing and plummeting from the top to the surface below. Miraculously, Hamby survived the fall, thanks to landing on a large quantity of throw pillows that had been placed earlier at the base of the Sunsphere by his "followers," who mostly consist of college-age girls, some biker dudes, Trekkies, and a small group of drunken chimpanzees. Mr. Hamby suffered only a sprained left nipple and is currently in police custody. He is being handed over to federal authorities at this very moment. Thank you.

David Gregory: Katie, we're now seeing Hamby being led to a waiting FBI van which will transport him to a federal jail where he will await trial for today's siege. A long-awaited end to a long morning. This is David Gregory reporting live from Knoxville, Tennessee. Katie?

Katie: Thanks David for an outstanding job. Now here's Tom Brokaw to tell what's in store for viewers on this evening's NBC Nightly News...

Tom Brokaw: Thah Kawah, toni ah dah rah me rahnda for the hagtmtew. Federal pouhtin wiiah be nahhh va mahh cahhh. Heh, heh, heh. Kawah?

Katie: Well, that wraps another Today. For Matt, Al, Willard, and Ann, so long from Today and have a good afternoon and a Merry Christmas.

Ann Curry: Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttiieeeeeeeeee!!!! I'll get you for ttttttttttttttttttttthhhhisssssssssss!!!!

 

THE END

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[So there you have it... what an incredible ending to Brian's adventure. Brian's finally back now at The Wonderful World of Longmire and ready to answer your questions about love, life, death, taxes, financial planning, N'SYNC and David Hasselhoff. Just send him your question. Warning: He may be a little bitter for a while due to his recapture. Please be patient with him. Thanks. - Longmire]