Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...

Boats, Massages, and Shut Ups


Sent: Wednesday, June 18, 2002 3:22 PM
From: Brian
To: Mark
Subject: (no subject)


Brian: You know, if you'd just shut up a moment and let other people talk we could solve a lot of problems faster.


Mark: I've been busy. Why don't you shut up?

This past weekend, I was poking around Toys R Us and saw some inexpensive ($30-$40) remote control speedboats.They have them where they have two alternate radio frequencies (so you don't get crossed up) so you and someone else with an identical boat could race. We should get some and sail the high seas of the Pollard Ocean. What do you think?


Brian: I'd love to. As we both do models, I bought one of those battery controlled model destroyers one time and put it together only to have a friend and I take it up to Crossville and run it across a pond and shoot at it with his WWII carbine. We both missed the first time and then he blew it to bits with his second shot. Was rather disappointing to spend so many hours putting something together only to see it sink in three seconds...


Mark: What a fascinating story. When did this happen... a couple of weeks ago?



Brian: I'm getting some C4 and attach it to the bow of my boat and plan to recreate that moment when I slam in to your rinky dink speedboat mister. Enjoy your one and only maiden voyage.


Mark: Won't that be your one and only maiden voyage as well? Man, you're stupid.


Brian: Well, at least we won't have to bother with learning how to use the radio controller for very long.


Mark: Do you really want to do the boat thing? We can take a look at them this weekend if you like. It would be fun to get them, paint them and adorn them with personal logos and/or ethnical slurs, mount fake guns to them, and go out and race them around... in water, of course.


Brian: I don't know if I ever told you or not but I use to put wooden sailing ships together. I kind of died out on it and never finished the last one, but they had some that you could outfit with motors and RC controllers. I was interested in trying that at one point.


Mark: That sounds great. I'll take my state-of-the-art 21st century boat made of hard Space-Shuttle plastic and ram your wooden sailing ship into oblivion.


Brian: Using microwaves and a sound distortion attachment on the stern of my ship I can create a defensive force field ("Star Wars") that shatters hard plastic boats into a thousand little cocktail stirrers. That is if by some amazing impossible feat you get past my bottle rocket missle guidance system.


Mark: I'll have a flame thrower on mine that can target a bogie from 2 miles away, even when your boat is at your house... in the tub on the rare occasions that you take a bath.


Brian: There's no such thing, you made that up.


Mark: What, about you taking a bath? Yeah, I guess I did make that part up, you slovenly piece of...


Brian: No, the part about the flame thrower.


Mark: I've got $1,300 dollars cash in my pocket... I just sold my old truck.


Brian: Good deal! What are you going to do with your new found wealth?


Mark: Crack cocaine, my friend.


Brian: Get a massage instead. It's got about the same effect.


Mark: Oh yeah, how was that?


Brian: Worth every penny, but you don't feel like doing much after except smoking a cig and watching the Lifetime channel.


Mark: So, it was an emasculating experience?


Brian: More like a rubbery experience.


Mark: How much did it cost?


Brian: $60 an hour.


Mark: Jeezus Christina, couldn't you get your convenience store cashier love interest to do that for free?


Brian: Yeah if we were ever off at the same time... It's worth it, believe me.


Mark: Give me $5 and I'll kick you in the ass repeatedly. Same effect, I bet.


Brian: Shut up. Do it now.


Mark: Jeeszio Chrustashiono, do you have to pay people to touch you now?


Brian: SHUT UP.


Mark: Shut me up, Freak Nodule.


Brian: You're just a cocky, saucy little bitch today, aren't you?


Mark: I thought I told you to shut up. If I didn't already... then shut up.



<< File: shutup.jpg >>


Mark: Oh the things I could do with that photo...


Brian: You've done enough.



Back to E-mail Extravaganza main page | Back to Features page | Back to home