Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
The Refrigerator and the Stupid Whale Joke
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2000 1:50 PM
To: Susan; Brian; Teresa; Tonya
Mark: Hey, guess what? They were moving the mini-refrigerator out of the workroom over here and I now have it in my office. Here's a picture of it...
Everyone is envious of me now.
Teresa: Why do you need a personal refrigerator?
Susan: To keep his donor organs in!
Teresa: Is that a new job requirement?
Susan: Mark goes through so many in a week he likes to have spares; doesn't like to get caught SHORT, if you catch my drift...
Mark: See what I mean?
Teresa: Not envy, curiosity, as to why you feel the need. I personally just keep my office thermostat cranked really low...
Mark: Don't ever attempt to correct me again. When I say envy, I mean envy. YOU GOT THAT, MISSY?
Teresa: I'm Teresa, not Missy...
Mark: I've got a refrigerator now, and I will call you whatever I want.
That goes for the rest of you, too.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
Tonya: I thought you guys might like this...
< obscene whale joke attached >
Susan: Ay caramba!
Mark: That was a little much, Tonya.
I'm reporting you.
Tonya: Yeah, yeah, and I'm just jealous of your refrigerator. You haven't seen anything yet. I am still breaking you guys in.
Mark: Does anybody want anything out of Tonya's office after she is fired?
Tonya: I don't have a refrigerator, but you can come by and take a look at the rest. I haven't been here long enough to collected any really good stuff.
Mark: That's good. The less to box up when your feet meet the street.
Tonya: OK...OK...fine. You win. I'll just not send anymore emails to you. (Hey, I can pout with the best of them!) I never realized you were the sensitive one. But remember this, one day in the near future, as you are sitting at your desk bored out of your mind because you never really work anyway, you'll wish you had a nice wholesome email from me to brighten your day, and then nothing... just nothing...
Mark: Hold on there a minute... I don't have anything against you sending me e-mail and I'm not the sensitive one (I'm the good-looking one)... I just don't like whale jokes, OK? Just keep that in mind and we'll get along just fine. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REMEMBER THAT, TON-YA?
And, although you are correct about me never really working, I will never be sitting bored at my desk because (yes, you guessed it) I have a refrigerator.
Teresa: The delivery man just brought my new refrigerator.
Susan: See now... your exclusivity is FINITO.
Mark: I...I don't believe it. I want to see a picture of it.
Teresa: I got the same model as you did!
Susan: That's MY Diet Rite Cola in there. But it's not my skull.
Mark: Nice try, Teresa, you had me going for a moment there. I should have known that they wouldn't trust you with a refrigerator... not like they trust ME. You don't deserve one.
Brian: You know, I'm getting just a little sick of Mark's bourgeois elitist refrigerator, therefore Monday morning I will have installed in my office my Webber Broilmaster twin burner propane gas grill with the patented 'Rotary Piezo Igniter' and built in Heat Indicator. Does the sweet smell of sautéed salmon fill the room from your refrigerator, Mark?
Mark: Who woke YOU up?
(sigh) The Envy Saga continues as I expected it would.
No, Mr. Bar-B-Que, my refrigerator won't fill the room with the sweet smell of sautéed salmon, but it won't set off the sprinkler system, either.
You didn't think of that, did you, Brainiac?
Brian: You suck.
Mark: You should have consulted an adult before you placed your order for the grill.
...maybe there's still time to cancel the purchase before it's delivered.
Or, maybe you're just basically screwed.
Brian: I've already put the damn thing together.
Mark: Oops! I guess you're pretty much screwed, then.
Did you check with the Safety Office before you installed the grill in your office? And, does the grill have the required timer that is needed as was mandated for the coffeemakers?
Never mind... I already know the answers: In your rush to compete with my refrigerator and in a vain and futile attempt to impress your coworkers, you didn't bother to ask permission from Safety and you don't even know what a timer is.
Brian: Previously, when I requested putting a freezer shrink wrap packager in my office for my meats, all they said was it had to be UL listed. You may want to check the safety home page to bring yourself up to date, Mark.
Mark: Sorry that I questioned Mr. Know-It-All. OK, then, please proceed and happy barbequeing. I'll notify the fire department to be on standby.
Brian: Tonya, can you help me roll my grill into the office? I'll throw us some shrimp on the barbie. Have you got any cocktail sauce in your office? The last time I was by your office, I thought I saw a bottle next to that stack of fake performance awards you printed for yourself.
Tonya: Hey Brian... fair warning, don't mention anything associated with seafood, especially whales, in front of "Mr. Sensitive" who thinks he is "Mr. Good Looking" but who we all know is "Mr. Pain in the Ass". He gets real uptight about it and threatens to have you fired and take all your stuff. He is probably really jealous about that awesome grill that you've had installed and will do anything to get his hands on it.
By the way... I heard they were storing biohazard samples in that refrigerator that he brags about 24-7.
Mark: Well, hello, Tonya. I didn't know you were still here. I thought your Brownie troop was going to the zoo this afternoon.
Tonya: Nope, the zoo was yesterday. Today we went on a tour of a Kenmore factory. Wall to wall refrigerators. I won the free drawing and will be receiving my deluxe model any day now.
Mark: Well, congratulations!
I hope you can handle the refrigerator envy that goes along with ownership. I'm sure you're aware of what I've been going through. It's pure hell, but I am stong enough to withstand all attempts to belittle my magnificence. I am a rare breed of American, I must say. You... all of you... could learn a lot from me if you'd just shut your filthy mouths long enough to listen to my words of wisdom and realize that I am the truth, the way, a lamp unto your stinkin' feet. Even your feeble human minds will eventually be led toward my shining light and I shall annoint you and extend an invitation to all of you to sit at a comfortable distance, not too far but not too close, from my refrigerator of love.
Tonya: OK gang, which one of you wants to make the call for the guys in the little white coats? I called last time and I don't need to remind you how that turned out. So come on, one of you make the call this time and lets get this psycho off the street. I mean, we are talking women and children here.
Mark: Hey, when you talk to the guys in the white coats, get me one of those red, white, and blue popsicles. I love those things. I'll pay you back.
You were referring to the ice cream truck, weren't you?
Tonya: Yes Mark. The ice cream truck. Wouldn't you like to ride in the ice cream truck with the nice men? When they get you to the big white building with the pretty flowers, don't fight with them about going inside. Once you are there they will give you all the red, white and blue popsicles that you can eat! Be a good boy, now.
Brian: And you get to play ping pong all day long if you take your medication.
Mark: Will I get my own refrigerator in my room?
Brian: NO YOU WON'T GET A DAMN REFRIGERATOR!!!! THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN A STUPID, STINKING FRIGGING REFRIGERATOR!!! COULD YOU FOR ONE FREAKING MINUTE GET YOUR ONE-TRACK MIND OFF THAT STUPID FRIGIDAIRE, JUST FOR ONE STUPID STINKING FREAKING MINUTE!!! COULD YOU HUH? ROSEBUD! SOMEBODY STOLE THE STRAWBERRIES! I COUNTED THE STRAWBERRIES THE NIGHT BEFORE AND NOW THEY'RE NOT ALL THERE!!!! DON'T DISCONNECT ME DAVE!!! DAVE'S NOT HERE!!! I'M FADING DAVE!!!! HOUSTON, THIS IS TRANQUILITY BASE!!! hOUSTOn??? OH... I THINK I'M GOING to pass ou....
Mark: It's a Kenmore.
Susan: Tonya, better tell the guys in white to bring some extra restraint accessories and a van to transport two.
Tonya: Consider it done.