Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Go For The Gold
Sent: Tuesday, March 26, 2002 9:39 AM
To: Tonya, Teresa, Mark
Subject: For sale
* FOR SALE: Sears Craftsman 6-inch jointer with metal stand, 1/2 HP motor, cast iron bed with knives. Used less than 25hrs. Asking $200.
Brian: And, if you can guess who the owner is and how to contact them, they'll throw in a Dirt Devil carpet cleaner.
Teresa: Must be Madame Cleo...
Brian: Yah Mon. Call tooday.
Teresa: I bet the cast iron bed with knives will go pretty quick.
Brian: I've been wanting one for the guest bedroom. I just wish I knew where I could get one.
Mark: "Used less than 25hrs." ????? What an odd description to use. Also... does it have a timer or something?
Brian, I ask you this since you are a dope fiend... Is a 6-inch jointer some sort of machine that rolls huge marijuana cigarettes? What's the metal stand for... to hold a bag of Chitos?
Brian: Yes, everything you said is correct.
Mark: Is $200 a good price for one?
Brian: Not with just half of the motor. A whole motor works better.
Mark: HP motor... is that Hewlett Packard?
Brian: Herb Patowski out of St. Louis.
Tonya: "High Pollutin', " which means the EPA will be out to "inspect" it regularly.
Brian: Herb Patowski, dammit.
Mark: Well, which is it? I need to know the correct answer so that I can immediately forget what it was.
Brian: Go with Miss Smarty Pants Tonya's answer. See if I care.
Mark: How about a compromise...
...Herb "High Pollutin' " Patowski's Motors, Inc., St. Louis, MO.
If that's not OK, then the hell with both of you.
Brian: Yeah, I know what's going to happen. The company newsletter's cover story on me at the Easter Egg Hunt is going to get bumped to the back page to make room for Tonya's in-depth look at the pollution standards and measures of small block half engines. AGAIN.
Mark: Well, life sure ain't fair is it?... you dumb bastard.
Brian: That also means your essay on your used underwear crotch collection ain't going in either.
Mark: They're bumping my crotches? I mean... they're dropping the story? Damn them.
Teresa: Brian, you would have a better chance for the cover if there was not quite so much fur flying off the poor rabbit in the photo...
Brian: Nobody ever explains the rules at those damn things. How was I supposed to know?
Mark: Some things are kinda thought to be understood at Easter egg hunts and shouldn't have to be mentioned. Like... you don't shove 5 year-olds to the ground or into picnic tables, steal their eggs, and then try to bite the head off the guy in the Easter Bunny outfit.
Brian: Well, dammit, I was going for the Gold.