Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Two
Lesbians and Andy Gibb Unplugged
Sent: Thursday, September 06, 2002 10:28 AM
From: Mark
To: Brian
Subject: Huh?
Mark: Do you want to do lunch tomorrow?
Brian: Otay.
Mark: Where?
Brian: How about the Lobster Death House?
Mark: Beautiful. Wear your trousers.
Brian: No.
Mark: OK, but remember how the lobsters reacted the last time you arrived trouserless. I won't be there for you this time in the emergency room.
Brian: ....I think I'll wear my blue Dockers.
Mark: Good choice.
The Next Morning
Brian: Let me take a raincheck on lunch Dood, I've got eight new computers that came in for the warehouse and I'm going to have to start dealing with it.
Mark: You'll miss me. I'm boarding a plane for Candyland tomorrow.
Brian: Yeah I'll miss you, you're going to California with your two women to have a blast while I'm stuck here at the Big Orange Govt. nut farm.
Seriously though, hope you have a great time. We'll do lunch when you get back and you can tell me all about it.
Mark: Would you like for me to bring you back anything? I mean, besides a gay man.
Brian: We discussed this already, two lesbians. I'll take one lesbian but you're in S.F. so there should be a sale. If you can't get the lesbians on the plane, just get me a hat with lesbians on it. That's all I need. And a lesbian key ring. I need one of those too.
Mark: OK, I'll try. Susan will be without Al while we're there, so there's a good chance that she may come back as a lesbian. Would that work for you? I'll keep watch on her progress to see if that happens. If it does, it would save me some time finding one and also save me money on shipping charges.
Brian: No, that's no good. As a new rookie lesbian Susan wouldn't do since she won't be tired of another woman's crap yet and wouldn't be ready to try men again. I think in the streets of San Francisco they hang out at Starbucks, Piggly Wiggly, and on trolley cars. Try those. I know this is all new to you so pick up an "Interesting Places to Visit" brochure in the hotel lobby. That should have some lesbian information.
Mark: In case I find a lesbian, could I borrow your credit card so that I may purchase her airline ticket to Knoxville?
Brian: Uh, I'll wire you the money. You'll get a finder's fee but I'm not that stupid.
Mark: OK, but to aid in the purchasing negotiations, the lesbians will need the information packet about you... remember? I told you about this 2 weeks ago.
DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE INFORMATION PACKET....
Brian: We agreed that you would simply show them your web site at an internet bar after you bought them several shooters. I'm beginning to see that you've been worrying more about getting ready for your trip than you have about my needs. There's no telling what I'll end up with when you get back.
Mark: You're a damn liar. We talked about the information packet and you damn well know it. You'll do and say anything not to follow instructions if it means not drinking for an hour.
Brian: Yes... that's exactly what I told you when I said "Simply show them your web site at an internet bar after you've boughtthem several shooters" right before I said "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO COME UP WITH A STUPID INFORMATION PACKET." Jeez. What an idiot. You better check and make sure you have reservations on an airline to go to the frigging place.
Mark: Your whiskey memory fails you, you stupid sot. You said "I WILL COMPLY WITH YOUR WISHES AND SUPPLY YOU WITH A FACT-FILLED INFORMATION PACKET, FOR I WANT A LESBIAN MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD... THAT IS, BESIDES ANOTHER DRINK." That's verbatim, bitch, and I've got the cassette tape recording to back me up on this one. I remember it well, because I was all out of blank tapes and had to tape over my "Andy Gibb Unplugged" tape.
Brian: That was my "Andy Gibb Unplugged" tape!
Mark: Well, you shouldn't have left it laying around, because you knew I was out of blank tapes. What the hell is wrong with you? You can't do anything right.
Brian: Would you just get the hell out of here so I can have SOME FREAKIN' PEACE AND QUIET!!? You might want to leave for the airport right now SINCE YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE TROUBLE FINDING IT EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN FOLLOW A FREAKIN' PLANE DESCENDING IN THE SKY AND END UP THERE!!!!....
Mark: What? I lost you halfway through the all-caps. HUH?
God, you're stupid.
Brian: Well, at least I have the peace of mind knowing the chances of you finding your way back across the country to here are slim if any.
Mark: More like piece of a mind... like 20% of a toddler's brain.
Hey, aren't you late for happy hour somewhere? Better hurry or you'll lose your favorite stool... and I'm not talking about the kind you sit in. Although, you have been known to sit in your own excrement for hours at a time.
Brian: Have a nice trip. Thanks for flying Delta.
Idiot.
Mark: Shit sitter.
