Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...

Mayonnaise Head

 

Sent: Tuesday, April 16, 2002 10:37 AM
From: Brian
To: Mark
Subject: none

 

Brian: You still suck.

 

Mark: Yes, but Jesus loves me more than he does you and that's all that really matters.

 

Brian: He may love you but, man, you suck. And I'm not talking average every day sucking, I'm talking about major suck. Like a Jerry Springer type suck. Answer that, sucker.

 

Mark: If I suck so much, then how can you account for me having a new truck and you don't?

 

Brian: Sucky people sometimes get minor rewards before their life totally falls apart and they end up becoming Muslims.

 

Mark: No wonder you say "Praise Allah!" all the time.

 

Brian: Mayonnaise head.

 

Mark: Losers of arguments usually resort to name-calling when they know they've been beat.

 

Brian: No, usually they try to act like pompous winners and analyze and dissect what the opponent is doing. Talking Mayonnaise head. Mayonnaise Head is the term we use for people with white trucks.

 

Mark: Who is this "we"?... you and the members of your "anger management counseling" over at Ridgeview?

 

Brian: You seem a little paranoid.

 

Mark: I pity you.

 

Brian: And don't be taking a dump in my car Saturday night. I have hidden cameras installed and don't think I won't prosecute.

 

Mark: Your car IS a dump... unlike my new truck.

 

Brian: Tom says I'm Pat and Rita's Male Whore. I kinda like that.

 

Mark: Tom says that about everybody. I've even heard him say that Lady Bird Johnson is Pat and Rita's Male Whore, which doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Brian: He's under a lot of stress.

 

Mark: I guess that explains a lot of things about Tom... like the time he was humping the fire extinguisher during a performance of "Oh Holy Night" at the last Christmas party.