Sent: Friday, September 18, 1998 5:25 PM
From: Newsday
To: All employees
Subject: Newsday 9/21/98


Good Morning! It's Monday, September 18, 1998, and here's the news!

* THE INTERNET FIREWALL COMPUTER IS DOWN. Some dipshit tripped over the power cord and ripped it out of the wall outlet. The Computing Management Division (CMD) will be consulting someone who actually knows something about computers to come in and fix it. Access to and from the Internet will be unavailable during this period. Access to the Netherworld will also be unavailable during this period. If you have any questions regarding this outage, please keep them to yourself.


* TURN IN YOUR TIME SHEET BY COB TODAY! In order to meet our fiscal-year closing deadlines, it is imperative that all employees turn in time sheets on schedule. We really mean it this time.

For the week ending at mid-day on September 25, your time sheet should be turned in to your gatekeeper by COB on THURSDAY, SEPT. 24. The gatekeepers must have all this time entered into the database so that the promise keepers may enter it into the sheep herders database. All watches must be synchronized by COB TODAY.

Then, all employees must complete an estimated time sheet for the balance of Sept. 25 plus Sept. 28, 29, and 30, with their best estimate of the time and projects they will work on those 3.5 days. The employee must also complete an estimated time sheet of the time of arrival of an east-bound train heading to Chicago from Phoenix, travelling at at the speed of Mercury's orbit, making only one 37 minute stop at an Arkansas hubcap museum. These estimated time sheets must also be turned in to your gatekeeper and also your back scratcher by COB Thrusday, Sept. 24.

In addition, it is mandatory to turn in a time sheet calculating how long it took to fill out the previously mentioned time sheets. Also, fill out a time sheet to estimate how long it took you to read this message. These two additional time sheets must be turned in exactly 2:28 A.M. Saturday morning 9/26/98, in order for the fiscal year to end. If the time sheets are turned in at 2:27 or 2:29 A.M., the fiscal year will not end for another four months.

All time sheets must include all time spent on bathroom breaks with the following time entry account numbers:

101.001 - Pee pee
101.002 - Doo doo
101.003 - Pee pee and doo doo combo
101.004 - Vomiting
101.005 - Feminine Hygiene
101.006 - Pimping in front of mirror
101.007 - Vomiting, feminine hygiene, and primping combo
101.008 - Sexual act with self
101.009 - Sexual act with coworker
101.010 - Sexual act with group
101.011 - Sexual act with copier repairman

Our closing scedule is extremely tight (even tighter than the jeans of Tanya in Personnel) and we cannot afford to miss these deadlines. Each employee will be held accountable and responsible for submitting their time sheets on schedule by COB THURSDAY, SEPT. 24. COB, COB, COB, COB, COB. COB, COB. Uncooperative employees will be forced to listen to Jenny Tindale's singing of "Oh, Holy Night" for 6 hours straight.


STRESS-BUSTERS: Here are some additional "Stress-Busters" to add to the list of pressure-relieving exercises that Jane read during her wrap-up comments at last Thursday's All-Employee Meeting.

And finally,


* CLARIFICATION ON ATTIRE FOR TOMORROW'S PICNIC: The forecast calls for plenty of sun and warm temperatures for tomorrow's company picnic, and employees can wear appropriate casual attire (NO SHORTS!) to the office tomorrow. You may bring shorts and athletic shoes to change into for the picnic itself, but please change back in your casual attire when you return to your office. Please don't forget to fill out the Picnic Shorts Wearer Verification Form available on our Intranet. Also, please try not to have any fun beyond corporate mandate 801-2A. And remember not to feed the geese... let's not repeat anything similar to last year's unfortunate incident to Bob Bailey's gonads. Let's have a good, orderly picnic!


* BROWN BAG PRESENTATION: CMD will be presenting a brown bag from 11:30 - 12:30 on Tuesday, 9/29. That's it... just a brown paper bag on display. Discussion will folow. For more information, contact Kenneth Nicely in CMD.



Cleaning Vomit Off the Keyboard - Level 2, $85
October 1, 8:30 - 4:30

Surfing for Porn - Level 1, $115
October 2, 8:30 - 4:30

Introduction to Solitaire - (14 hrs), $145
October 5 - 6, 8:30 - 5:00

Sharpening Pencils and Making Coffee - Level 3, $99
October 7, 9:00 - 4:00

If you want to attend these training courses, complete a Training Registration Form. obtain the appropriate signature, have the form notarized, and then send to Tim Sweat in CMD along with 7 Kellogg's Froot Loops Proofs of Purchase. You may also submit your registration electronically using an electronic computer. Just complete the form on-line and then attach the form to an e-mail to your manager asking for approval. Your manager will then open the attachment, "sign" the form in the manager's signature area, save the document, and then promptly delete it.

Please note: DO NOT send your form to Disbursements! They get really angry when sent a task.


* THEY ARE IN OUR PRAYERS. As you may have heard by now, this morning, two middle-school kids were walking to a local school and were kicking an orange Sunkist soda can along as they walked. One of the kids kicked the can high in the air over an oak tree. Suddenly, out of nowhere came high pitched screams of "YEE-HAH!" as hundreds of insane, drunken, bare-chested, orange-faced University of Tennessee Volunteer fans rushed the tree and tore it down, while also digging up nearby grass with their hands and teeth. The fans had mistaken the tree for a goalpost and the soda can as a game winning field goal.

Quick-thinking school officials divirted the Big Orange mob away from the school by throwing an orange rock over a telephone pole that was located on the other side of a 100 ft. deep ravine. Seeing this, the Vol fans attempted to reach the telephone pole to tear it down also, only to fall to their deaths, screaming the lyrics to "Rocky Top" all the way down.

A memorial service will be held for the dead heap of Vol fans during halftime at the next home game.


* WALKING FOR A GOOD CAUSE: I will be walking this Sunday in the Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk in Knoxville... or Oak Ridge... somewhere... I think. If anyone would be willing to sponsor me, please send me an e-mail or call me at 555-... 555-... just call me. In addition, if anyone would be willing to sponsor me, please send me an e-mail or call me at 555-... Sponsorship is done on a donation basis instead of a per-mile basis. If you can donate just a dollar or two, or maybe one or two dollars, that would be great!

Thanks for your support and thank you. -- Betty Mink


*TIX FOR SALE: Two tickets to the UT vs. Houston football game this Saturday. Section WW, Row 8. Halftime will feature memorial ceremony for recent Vol Fans killed in local ravine. Call Gail at 555-4098.


* IT'S A BOY! Gordon Lemore-Keen arrived at UT Medical Center Sept 21, weighing 8 lb, 3 1/2 oz. Proud mom Leeane Lemore (SND), husband Gary Keen, and big brother Justin are all doing well! It's rather ridiculous to have a hyphenated name, but to give your newborn baby one is criminal! Especially when it's a boy. Who the hell names their son with a hyphenated name that includes the mother's last name? How's this little guy with the sissy name going to feel when he has to spell his last name in school? I guess we can tell who wears the pants in this family, can't we Gary? Congratulations, you've already ruined this kid's life!


* CONGRATS! Janet Wilson's daughter, Tiffany Wilson, has been nominated as a candidate to participate in the hogcalling queen services at Furnish High School. Tiffany is a junior this year. She will get to participate in the parade and court ceremony on Friday before the game. Janet is so proud of her!


* TRUCK FOR SALE! ONE OWNER (well-maintained with all receipts and records included) 1983 FORD F-100, is missing engine, driver's seat, windshield, and glove compartment. Asking $3,000. E-mail Terri Tingle or phone 555-3651 and she will put you in touch with the owner.


* THESE DOGS NEED HOMES! Must find homes for great dogs. Bosco and Hattie say, "We need room to run and someone (or someones) to love us and play with us!" I have been taking a lot of antidepressant medication and now hear animals speak to me. Bosco and Hattie are very loyal and very playful except with children and adults. Please consider adopting these pets or I will have to put a bullet in their brains. For more information, Contact Sarah Johanson at 555-0844.


* MOWER WANTED: Looking for someone to mow small yard and trim hedges on regular basis. I'm lazy as hell and usually too drunk all the time. I even hired someone to type this for me. Call Tina Frigate at 555-7492.


* FOR SALE: Exercise equipment. Weight bench, wieghts, two press bars (curl and straight). Asking $40. Only used once with disastrous results. Call Mack after 6 p.m. at 555-8376.


* LOTS OF FREE FIREWOOD! Sadly, our 70-foot red maple fell down. It is conveniently located in my living room for easy loading--pick it up and it's yours. Call 555-8321 after 5 p.m.


* PREVENT A KILLER. Ceramic Jesus faces with light. Even the words are terrifying to many women. The image will follow you everywhere you go. But the justification for such terror is passing. The most recent statistics show that Ceramic Jesus faces with lights are on the decline for the first time since 1980.

Help keep them on the decline. Experts recommend monthly Jesus faces for all women over 20 and annual or biannual after age 40. Questions? Call Nurse Martie! Asking $30.



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