Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
Sent: Monday, July 18, 2005 5:47 PM
Subject: Cruise control
Mark: Funny stuff: Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
Brian: Heh. Cruise is losing it. I give the marriage five months.
Mark: If they actually go through with it... but who cares, really?
Brian: I care, Mark, I care. This is important.
Mark: Oops... sorry, I forgot.
Have you gotten over the Affleck/J-Lo split yet?
Brian: Mostly. I'm still bitter.
Mark: With the current state of Hollywood romances, I can only imagine what you are going through.
You're going to have to learn to stop caring so much. You give, give, and give even more, but ask youself...are you getting anything in return?
Okay, I'm going to go ahead and say it... I'm talking about love... LOVE. I believe it was the Archies who sang "In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Well, my friend, I think you are owed some love.
Now, before you get excited, I'm not offering any of my own love. I am not a gay... and even if I was, I wouldn't be of the gay caliber that you deserve. What I mean is that you deserve to get back some of the love that you have given. Some quality Hollywood love... or at least some from Dollywood or the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area.
I can't find it for you, but I can get you started by supplying you with the address of a secret web site created especially for finding love: http://www.google.com. Don't spread that around... that's just my little gift to you exclusively because... godammit, you deserve it.
Brian: Thanks man, but it all sounds just a bit too complicated. Could you come up with something fast and simpler? I'll need it by Thursday.
Mark: Whack off as much as possible.