Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Quickies
(The following are a series of brief
email exchanges...)
Traffic Accident
Sent: Wednesday, December 1, 1999 11:09 AM
From: Brian
To: Mark
Subject: Teresa's accident
Brian: Hey man, guess what? Teresa got a car accident for her birthday. From what I've heard a big fat lady in a Yugo sneezed and rammed Teresa's car in the rear and then peed on herself, rolled down a hill and lost her wedding rings and Teresa's family lost her youngest child on the way to the accident and the cop thinks she's a Islamic terroist and her bumper looks like a slinky but you ought to see the other guy and Teresa's okay thankfully. The moral of the story is it's not over 'til the fat lady sneezes.
Mark: Is the donkey OK?
Brian: The donkey's fine but the Elvis impersonator didn't make it.
Mark: Damn... it's more serious than I thought...
Lunch Plans
Sent: Friday, March 31, 2000 10:46 AM
From: Mark
To: Brian
Subject: Lunch
Mark: Where to for lunch, Captain Puberty?
Brian: Been to The Red-Headed Lobster lately? If so, there's a little Chinese place with a good buffet next to Kmart. Excuse me, I meant BIG KMART.
Mark: Dead Mobster sounds good. 11:30 as usual?
Brian: As usual. I'm covering my building and another today, hopefully there won't be any delays.
Mark: There better not be or I'll have to kick your ass...again.
Brian: You and what women's auxiliary air force? You want to invite Susan and Teresa?
Mark: Susan just came in and said that she is eating Mexican with some of the program people. She asked me if I wanted to come and I threw her through the window... meaning "no." So, invite Teresa if you want to... doesn't matter to me.
Brian: She was on the phone so I e-mailed her. If she doesn't comply I'll throw her out the window.
Mark: Trust me... it's effective.
The New Girl
Sent: Friday, April 7, 2000 3;20 AM
From: Brian
To: Mark
Subject: Update
Brian: I've gotten two big smiles and hearty hellos from the new cute temp I'd like to spend some of the rest of my life with. I don't think they're the standard acme smiles you usually get either. Pray for me, Brother Mark.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
Mark: Hey now, you're an All Star, get your game on,
go play...
Hey now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid...
All that glitters is gold... Only shooting stars break the mold.
I think that just about sums it up.
Brian: Amen. She walked by my office a few minutes ago, looked, smiled, and waved. There's no doubt now. This is too good to be true, my friend. She's either a religious nut wanting to save me or thinks I'd make a good sacrifice to her pagan god. If it's not that, then today was probably her last day here and she's never to be seen again. If I catch her in the lunchroom or if her computer has a problem, I'm going to ask her her name and try to find out something, I haven't even heard her voice other than the 'hi's'. Her face is really cute, body's okay from what I can tell, she wears kind of oversized type of clothes. It's something to work on...
Mark: Oversized type of clothes... does that mean she has an oversized type of body?
Brian: No, she's not large but she wears sweaters that go all the way down to her ankles practically and I can't do a butt check. And I need to do a butt check.
Mark: Yes you do.... but remember to get her permission first. Don't repeat "The Black October Incident" again.
Brian: Don't worry, I've got the scar to remind me.
Mark: If that scar could talk, oh, the tales it could tell...
Air Show
Sent: Friday, April 28, 2000 8:55 AM
From: Mark
To: Brian
Subject: Air Show
Mark: Brian, Are we still on for the air show tomorrow? I'm going to be a guest air traffic controller tomorrow at the show. You might want to seek shelter far away from the landing strip.
Brian: I think the weather's supposed to be okay tomorrow so you're not going to be able to use that as an excuse when you have the Blue Angels try the "fly through the terminal" stunt.
Mark: Actually, I was going to guide the Blue Angels through my patented "give the crowd a haircut" maneuver.
There will also be a moving tribute to JFK Jr. as a Cessna plummets into the river as "Candle in the Wind" blares out from the loudspeakers.
Plus, the kids are welcome to toast wienies and marshmallows on the afterburners of an F-18.
Should be fun.
I Love You
(As you may recall, there was a recent computer virus dubbed The "I Love You" Virus: that struck computers via email all over the world. The following exchange is based on the discovery that the virus originated in the Phillipines.)
From: Teresa
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2000 1:29 PM
To: Mark, Brian
Cc: Tonya
Subject: Welcome back
Teresa: Yo, Brian! How was your trip to Manila?
Brian: Thanks for asking Teresa, I got everything that I planned accomplished. It was a success beyond my wildest dreams. May be a little jail time involved but it was worth the attention.
Teresa: You're such the little Cupid!!
Brian: Yes, I know. But I am a little miffed at all the copycat stuff going around. I don't think that's very professional.
Mark: Brian... why Manila?
Brian: Well, since you asked, I was born in the Philippines, the son of a cornish hen herder. We had very little money but a lotta love. I'm not talking about a loving family, I'm talking about the brothel across the street, but that's not important right now. So anyway, my best friend was Turk Marcos. Turk and his family were well connected and eventually became royalty for awhile until they had some minor political problems concerning a missing shipment of pickled eggs. Turk and I used to run the bulls in the "Actual Idiots Who Run From Bulls Fest" in October and won the Most Likely To Live Past Fourteen Award in the fall of '73. This make us very, very happy. But den we gets our name in de papers, you know, and de peoples dat overthrow de govment connect me width Turk cuz heez Mom Imelda keeps buying da shoes, ya know, and all of a sudden I'm de "operative" or someting like dat and they make me flee da country. I never see's de Turk again and dis makes me very very sad. So very sad. So me want to give someting back to my stinking country dat throw me out. You understand dat, you American trash, you?
(Long silence from everyone)
Brian: Why is it when I tell one of my poignant, sincere, heart-breaking stories from my past all email shuts down from you guys? Huh? Why is it? Are they too upsetting? Does my mastery of dialects intimidate you? Do you feel that any sympathetic reply that you might send could not begin to heal my pain? What is it? You can tell me...
Mark: We're trying not to encourage you.
Lunch Plans 2
Sent: Thursday, May 11, 2000 1:02 PM
From: Brian
To: Mark, Susan, Teresa
Subject: Lunch
Brian: I think we need to meet at Applebees tomorrow for lunch so we can talk about what a wonderful guy I am. Opinions?
Mark: My opinion is that you should buy our lunches, Mr. Wonderful.
Brian: Other opinions?
Mark: You are a cheapskate... in my opinion.
Brian: You're just jealous because I've got a whole kitchen across the hall from my office and you've just got a dumpy old refrigerator with a skull and mustard pack in it.
Mark: ...and you're just jealous because your skull doesn't have a mustard pack (or anything else) in it.
You're packless.
Teresa: I'm so sorry that I don't have any opinions. I wish I could join you for lunch but I have to wash my hair...
(I'm taking leave tomorrow but I'd love to go another time!)
Toodles!
Brian: Oh sure Teresa, use the old 'I'm off tomorrow' routine... We'll order you a hot wings platter anyway. Mark's buying.
Mark: I'll buy her a mustard pack.
Brian: Don't stretch yourself too thin there, Mr. Virginia State Lottery. He won't even buy it Teresa, he knows people at McDonald's where he can get them free.
Teresa: Well,
in that case, I don't mean to be greedy or anything but could
you throw in a little ketchup, salt and pepper. I have children
to feed, too, you know.
Have a good weekend!
C'Ya
Mark: The hell with your children.
Teresa: My children are hell! ; )
Mark: I meant it. >:(
Brian: Good one.
Mark: The hell with you, too.
Brian: Now you've ruined it.
Escort Service
Sent: Tuesday, May 30, 2000 10:11 AM
From: Mark
To: Tonya, Teresa, Brian
Subject: Attention Ladies!
Mark: I just got the first issue of the security newsletter and it has an article that you ladies may be interested in. You know those security guys that walk people to their cars in the evening if they are concerned about doing so alone? Well, they're calling it "escort services."
From the newsletter..."Jack and Herman
are always willing to provide after hours escort service when
available."
I bet they are more than willing.
Brian: I think our service is better, Mark, but I'm telling you the feather-plumed hats, fur vests and leather chaps are neither convincing nor "security correct."
Lunch Plans 3
Sent: Friday, May 19, 2000 10:46 AM
From: Tonya
To: Brian, Teresa, Mark
Subject: Lunch
Tonya: Hey guys, I am beginning to wonder if you have all been kidnapped by ETs and are currently being probed and tortured since I haven't heard from either of you in awhile. Teresa and I plan to be at the Rouge Crustacean at 11:45. If you guys show up, we will think about letting you eat with us if you promise not to make a scene like you did last time. And remember to wear your disguises so we won't have to try to sneak you in the window again.
Brian: Try the new crab grits with honey butter while you're there. You'll never feel the same about crab or grits again. Well, you'll probably feel the same about grits.
Mark: You'll probably just never feel the same.
Camping Trip
Sent: Friday, May 19, 2000 10:46 AM
From: Brian
To: Teresa, Tonya, Mark
Subject: Camping Trip
Brian: I'm thinking about going camping and need to borrow some explosives. If any body has some C-10 or dynamite lying around, can I borrow it? I will reimberse you for what I use. Also, if you've got a pair of handcuffs I'd like to borrow those too. Not the kind like Tonya has with the soft furr around them, I need the real kind like they use on "Cops."
Let me know and thanks ahead of time.
Mark: I've got some hand grenades and a whip if you want them.
Brian: Ooh, I'll take you up on the grenades. I think I can borrow a whip from Teresa. You know, the one she beats her kids with, with the attractive rose stems weaved around it? If you've got a saxaphone and a waffle iron I can borrow I'll pick those up when I get the grenades.
Thanks.
Mark: No saxophone or waffle iron, but I've got some piano wire and some NASCAR jello molds that you're welcome to.
Brian: Great, even better. This is going to be the best camping trip ever.
Mark: Don't forget your bug spray or your condoms. Just to play it safe, better go ahead and spray all your condoms before you leave home.
Brian: In general that's a good idea, but in this case I don't think it'll be a problem since I plan to camp out at the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame entrance. Next to the restroom, of course.
Mark: TAKE THE BUG SPRAY.
Pit-Juice
Sent: Monday, June 26, 2000 1:24 PM
From: Mark
To: Joe
Subject: AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE MARK LONGMIRE
Mark: Joe,
I just got back from lunch and was talking to an old sweaty Hungarian woman who works at Kmart watering the plants outside. She said that she would like someone to lick her armpits and I mentioned your name to her. There's no money in it, but I thought it could be something that you might be interested in. Think about it and let me know what you decide.
Later,
- ML
Joe: Sure, I would really like that. Do you think she would mind if I sucked on her warm runny nostrils too? I kinda get a little out of control once I get that first taste of pit-juice.
Mark: I'm sure she would go for that. Another thing she likes is for someone to clip her toenails and use the best clipping as a toothpick on her teeth (7 total). I'll go ahead and give her your home phone number and directions to your house. She can join the bats in the evening in their quest for insects. She's actually quite a nice lady once you get to know her. But, please try to refrain from laughing when you see her head
Goin' to the Movies
Sent: Thursday, July 20, 2000 3:45 PM
From: Mark
To: Brian, Susan
Subject: Movie
Mark: Hey manster, Susan and I are all set to see Scary Movie. We got our tickets during lunch. 5:05 show.
You don't have your ticket yet, do you?
I didn't think so.
Slacker.
Susan: Britek Von Scandahl, go get your ticket!
Mark: Jah, go getz ze teeket, dumbkopf.
Brian: Un voten de bleeden da zooten, da meigdan von sneeden, mein EIDEN DAN BADEN DE SCARY MOVIE! ZEIG HEIL!!!!!! ZEIG HEIL!!!!!! ZEIG HEIL!!!!!!
Mark: Yes... my thoughts exactly.
Susan: Ja boil.
Brian: Do you think I really need to? You think it'll be sold out?
Susan: No, dear, we didn't mean to scare you. We just cruised by at lunch and Mark said, let's get some tickets now, thinking they might be cheaper, but they weren't.
Brian: If by chance they are sold out I hope you two don't expect me to stand outside the theater and wait on you.
Mark: No, we expect you to DIE, Mr. Bond.
Susan: I expect you to be there with gifts of gold for us, Baron.
Brian: Baron Von Bond's ass be going to da house, where he be having a martini while Erica, Jessica and Wendy clean my goldfinger.
Mark: Are those the names of your teeth?
Brian: No, their names are crusty, loosy, and gingivitis (just call her ginger).
Later...
Brian: I didn't feel like hanging out here so I went and got my ticket. No longer can I be branded a slacker for now I am just like you. I'm strong enough, I'm good enough, and by golly, I like myself.
Looking forward to seeing Shaft with you all at the 7:00 show.
Mark: Uh... yeah. See you there. (GEEZ, what an idiot)
