Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
Valentine
Bears and a Warm Fuzzy
From: Brian
Sent: Thursday, February 13, 2003 1:21 PM
To: Mark, Tonya, Teresa
Subject: Valentine's Day
Brian:
VALENTINE'S DAY DELIVERIES
Security Management has approved delivery of packages such as flowers, baskets, and bears to buildings on Valentine's Day.
I'm at the Warehouse, that's WHSE 04. I prefer Whitman's chocolates, a Chicago Bears cheerleader, and a WWF video. If you can't find that, small bills will be fine. Thanks, thanks a lot in advance.
Mark: Bear deliveries?
Brian: You didn't get Brenda a Valentine Bear? You bastard.
Mark: Does that mean we can have live, wild bears delivered to buildings?
I think I'll send the boss a rabid grizzly.
Brian: Why do we even cc Tonya and Teresa on our e-mails? They never reply to our witty banter, they're just trying to act like they're busy or important or something, probably want us to think they're busy getting ready to fly out to Maui for the next episode of "The 'Bachelorette."
Mark: Maybe they're out rounding up some bears for us.
Brian: I won't except it. I'll give it to a needy family and they can feed the hairy, drooling son of a bitch.
Mark: We're still talking about bears... right?
It's just that I remember when you tried once before to donate yourself to a needy family. I recall them saying "Even we're not THAT needy. Someone take this thing and bury it."
Brian: Needy inbred snobs.
Mark: There's no need to insult Tonya's family... her cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts, and brother/uncles.
Brian: I wouldn't dare, my family is from the same state so we might be cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts, and brother/uncles.
But more importantly I was reading about Teresa in the "A Day In The Life of a Health Physics Technician" and she said her job is to "give everyone a warm fuzzy". Where the hell is my warm fuzzy Teresa?
I think I've proved my point.
Mark: Yeah, I read that too. I can't believe she said that. Isn't she married? Why does she want to give it to everyone? Personally, I've already seen her warm fuzzy... it's a nice one, one of the finest in America... but if I were her husband, I'd be concerned that she's offering it to everyone. You'd think he would have first and only dibs on it.
Brian: You've seen Teresa's warm fuzzy? There are men who would kill for that, including her husband (I happened to bump into him at Wal-Mart).
Mark: Oh yeah, sure I've seen it. But it was before she was married, of course. I wanted to take a photo of it, but she wouldn't allow that... she said something about being tricked once before, something that had to do with the internet, I can't remember.
But she did let me make a rubbing of it... you know, with a crayon and paper like you do on a tombstone. I've got it somewhere at home, I'll bring it in for you to look at.
Brian: Better not. I have a wife and kids and mortgage to consider. My pastor says I need to concentrate on giving back more instead of thinking about myself. So I'm a Big Brother down at the YMCA. I wanted to be a Big Sister at the YWCA but there were some complications and my pastor said that was wrong. I also donate some time at the Quicki-Mart.
But, if you could get me a framed copy, I could give it to the Oak Ridge Art Museum. I do some work for them too. And of course I wouldn't keep it for myself, if that's what you're thinking.
Mark: No I wasn't thinking that at all. All I was thinking was that I was going to let you take a quick look at it.
No framed copy, no art museum donation.
Tell your pastor that I said he sucks.
Brian: You're going to damn nation for that.
Mark: At least I've seen Teresa's warm fuzzy and you haven't.
Brian: Could you at least give me a brief description since you're not going to donate to the art museum? Be a pal.
Mark: It's warm... and fuzzy.
And a little fizzy as well.
Brian: Moist fizzy or Alka Seltzer fizzy?
Mark: Yes.
Brian: Damn it man, forget brief descriptions, I want DETAILS. What does it resemble? Were there tattoos, scars, or beauty marks in the vicinity? Did it hypnotize you? Were there smoke signals coming from it like I've read in the Enquirer? What does Teresa call it, like when she has to make a doctor's appointment?
Mark: Hey, I just saw it once, at a party, and then I was slightly drunk. Why don't you ask the company nurse? She's seen it plenty of times.
Brian: I don't think you really saw it. You probably saw a plate of grits shaped somewhat like it at the Waffle house and in your drunken state talked yourself into believing you saw it.
Mark: Oh, I saw it all right.
It spoke to me.
Brian: Did it have a French accent?
Mark: Close... more like a Cajun accent.
Brian: You know, for the right amount of money I could probably talk Teresa into letting me see it in about the same amount of time it's taking me to get any information out of you.
Teresa, would you call me when you get a chance. Thanks.
Mark: Don't you even want to know what it said?
Brian: OK...
Mark:
Brian: Damn.
