Note: The standard address, date, and addressee e-mail taglines have been eliminated and converted to dialogue format to streamline and enhance your reading pleasure. All last names of participants have been omitted to protect the innocent...
The Waitress of the Evening, The Condom Dispenser, Tums, New Glasses, and The Power of Zyrtec
Friday - 8:45 A.M.
From: Mark
To: Brian
Cc: Teresa; Tonya
Subject: Help
Mark: Hey Brian, I tried calling the computer helpline but got no answer. We need
some help over here fast... the condom dispenser is jammed again.
Brian: Try rubbing the dispenser with a baked potato and dropping an Alka Selter tablet in the coin slot.
Mark: There's a coin slot?
Brian: I think we've found the problem. In the top right corner next to the keypad and under the generator pull cord there's a red lever. Pull it. This will open the security facing and a cork screw looking control rod will pop up. Push the control rod counter clockwise until it clicks twice while simultaneously flipping the rear panel elevation switch with your left hand located in the bottom corner back side of the dispenser. You'll need to be on a ladder. Now take your right hand and pull the generator pull cord 4 inches from the base. You will feel a mildly painful shock. While holding the generator pull cord, use the dial underneath the dispenser housing to select the color and size you want. Then press Enter on the keypad. A black housing unit will eject from the front of the dispenser and a dollar slot will appear. use the exact amount indicated in bold face below the dollar slot, enter the amount on the keypad and press the pound key twice. Your unit will drop down in the dispenser window. You can now let go of the generator pull cord and retrieve your condom.
Mark: Jeez, that's kind of complicated... can I just use a crowbar?
Brian: Okay... but it'll void the warranty.
Teresa: Mark, haven't you heard the saying "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right". Brian has explained to you the proper methodology for empowering yourself to fix your own machine and you are opting for instant gratification. Man, I don't mean to sound prejudiced but, that's just like a man! Just remember...As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep your eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole!
Brian: Yeah! Thank you Teresa, I've been trying to explain that to him for years. Didja hear that Mark? Huh? Like Teresa said, when your rambling with your brother quit eyeing his donut and concentrate on holding the road! Try to keep that in mind, Mark.
Mark: Don't make me angry. I can guarantee that you won't want to make me angry. When I get angry, bad things happen. Remember the San Francisco earthquake? I got angry. The Kennedy assassinations? I got angry. The Jonestown Massacre? I got angry. The sextuplets last year? I got angry. The macarena? I got angry.
Brian: He's not kidding. I remember when we when we were doing our tours back in 'Nam and we were on recon (that's patrol to you civilians) in this village that its inhabitants were suspected of hiding orange road cones and a little Vietnamese girl ran up and grabbed his Snickers bar out of his backpack. That village was My Lai and he was angry. And then there was the time we took a Carnival cruise and were touring the Berlin wall and a East German soldier reached over the wall and swiped his Snickers bar out of his camera case. He said he was going to tear down that wall and get that guy. I remember he was angry. And one time we were getting ready to take off from Martha's Vineyard in his piper cub and he accidentally dropped a Snickers bar he was eating out the side window and the plane behind waiting to take off rolled over it. He was angry...
9:20 A.M.
Brian: Mark, we'll be honored by the presence of Ms.Teresa and Ms. Tonya at lunch today. Please wear your usual formal attire and let's try not to drool as much as we did last time. I think we should let them decide where they would like to go, but if they have no preferences may I suggest Lobster de Rojo. I just like to look at the lobsters on death row. What say ye Mr. Longmire?
Mark: Fine with me. Red Lobster... not to be confused with Waffle House - the halfway house for hungry he-men.
Can I bring my mom?
Brian: No. I told you not ever again.
Mark: Hey, the paralysis was only temporary and she DID say that she was sorry. OK, I won't invite her. Can we make it a slightly later lunch? I have an eye exam today at 10:30 and I don't know how long it will take. Can you all wait until 12:30 to eat? If not, I'll get angry...
I need some new glasses. I'm thinking of the following styles...
1. Some lenses that look like fly eyes.
2. Laser pointers on the sides. Not the regular kind, the real lasers that can cut through metal.
3. Heat-vision glasses (you know, the kind that Superman used when he was Clark Kent. He would use his heat-vision through his glasses but would somehow not melt the lenses).
4. Glasses with mini venetian blinds in them.
5. Glasses that can connect to a computer. Why, I don't know.
6. Glasses that retract into my skull when not in use.
7. Frames that arch downward and make me look mad all the time.
8. Air-conditioned glasses.
9. Glasses with clowns on the corners.
10. Baywatch brand glasses that are fire engine red and jiggle voraciously when I run (on the rare occasions that I may actually run). And with one pull of the patented safety cord, they inflate and become a flotation device in case I get caught in the deep end of the kiddie pool.
Brian: Whatever.
Teresa: Idiot.
10:05 A.M.
Teresa: Mark and Brian, do you know where I can get small sections of zinc and copper screens? My son's teacher needs some for a science experiment at his school. Can this stuff be picked up at the local hardware store?
Mark: Teresa, I don't know if you can acquire those materials at a hardware store. However, I believe that you can buy them at Walmart, in the nuclear accessories aisle, near the kitty litter. Ask the greeter at the door for more information.
From the materials that you described, it sounds like the kids are working on creating a giant killer robot. You know, the kind with razor sharp teeth, steel-piercing laser beam eyes, bone-crushing clamp-like hands, and a retractable compartment in its abdomen that houses a juicer and easy-bake oven for afternoon snacks. This is just my guess.
Tonya: Remember Pebbles and Bam Bam from the Flintstones? I always thought it was strange how much Pebbles and Bam Bam, once they were grown, looked like Fred and Daphne from Scooby Doo. Did anyone else notice a resemblance?
Brian: Huh? Where did THAT come from?
Mark: I never watched that crap when I was a kid. I couldn't. Starting at 18 months old, I had to work for 2 cents a week at the Victoria's Secret lingerie factory in northern Georgia, working my a** off so you little spoiled brats could have your frilly little lacy underpants. It was a sweatshop, to say the least, and I lost a leg operating the panty-crotch-removing machine. I hope you all think of my leg when you slip into your little lavender nighties.
Brian: Well, I guess we will NOW.
12:30 P.M. - Lunch
(Brian, Mark, Teresa, and Tonya go to lunch at Red Lobster. While ordering their meals, their waitress exhibits a serious lack of knowledge concerning the lunch menu. She explains that she is an evening waitress. She is quickly dubbed by the four diners as "The Waitress of the Evening." There is a strange occurrence during the meal... after a few bites, Mark goes into a violent fit followed by a strange quietness, uncharacteristic for that loudmouth... that is, the quiet part. Exiting the restaurant, the foursome encounter a strange old man sitting outside on a bench. The old man makes a weak attempt at humor by commenting on the "Shirts and shoes required " sign, saying that one day he is going to come there wearing ONLY a shirt and shoes. Fact. The four return to work...)
1:45 P.M.
Brian: What was with Mark at lunch today?... he wasn't himself. Not that I'm complaining...
Tonya: I don't know.
Teresa: Maybe it was his new glasses that were...
Mark/Zyrtec: I HAVE THE POWER OF ZYRTEC!
Brian: What?
Teresa: Zyrtec?
Zyrtec: Zyrtec not happy with lunch. Zyrtec have stomach pain. Zyrtec have runs. Zyrtec gotta go now.
Tonya: Zyrtec should have taken the advice of fellow diners and stayed away from Waitress of the Evening.
Zyrtec: Zyrtec back now. Zyrtec think evening waitress tamper with potato. Zyrtec feel it again. Zyrtec return to toilet.
Brian: Does Zyrtec have the power to fix the condom dispenser?
Zyrtec: Zyrtec all powerful. Zyrtec ancient Greek god of condoms, baby.
Teresa: You didn't get that machine fixed, did you??? See what happens when you try to take the easy way out? Next time, do it right!
Zyrtec: Zyrtec queasy. Zyrtec stomach burn. Zyrtec having bad day. Zyrtec start feel angry. Zyrtec unleash fury soon. You no cross Zyrtec.
Brian: Zyrtec, like many diners, is experiencing what is commonly called acid influx syndrome. When I have acid influx syndrome, I choose Tums. That's right... Tums. Tums has the power to stop acid influx syndrome and Tums provides 200% of the calcium needed in a well balanced daily diet. Tums also comes in a variety of Tums flavors. That's Tums. At supermarkets everywhere. Try some Tums today.
Teresa: I'm so sorry that you are feeling so poorly. My guess, though, is that it was not the food nor the Waitress of the Evening, but the little old man's description of running around the Red Lobster in nothing but his shirt and shoes, and then him thinking that would be funny.
Zyrtec: Zyrtec have special surprise planned for aged one. Zyrtec make shirt and shoes from skin of aged one. Zyrted then ask aged one if still funny.
Brian: Now, there's a Zyrted in additon to Zyrtec?
Zyrtec: Zyrtec make rare typo. You no anger Zyrtec, useless little man. Zyrtec drink pink liquid. Zyrtec feel better but still angry.
Brian: I think little man scare Zyrtec. I think Zyrtec fraud. Greek god of condoms no pick Tums. Zyrtec not wise. That's Tums. In supermarkets everywhere.
Zyrtec: No mock Zyrtec. Zyrtec turn Tum boy into evening waitress. Zyrtec laugh.
Brian: Zyrtec chose the pink liquid over Tums. What happened? Zyrtec feels temporary relief but still angry. Zyrtec should have chosen Tums. Tums not only provides extended relief but also cures anger. That's Tums. At supermarkets everywhere.
Zyrtec: Zyrtec think you Tum slut. Zyrtec kill you first. Zyrtec prepare special place for Tum boy after Tum boy destroyed.
Brian: Did you hear that everybody? I'm going to a special place. Isn't it time you tried Tums? At supermarkets everywh...
Zyrtec: Zyrtec tire of Tum chatter. Tum boy cause Zyrtec spill Diet Coke in lap. Zyrtec not control rage. Zyrtec destroy Earth tonight right after Sabrina Teenage Witch show.
Brian: Zyrtec, I demand that you release Mark... not just for the concern over my fellow coworker, but mainly because he owes me $20.
Zyrtec: Zyrtec not through with host body yet. Zyrtec only release host when Tum boy speak secret command word "pamprin." Damn... Zyrtec make mistake.
Brian: PAMPRIN!
Zyrtec: Zyrtec... losing... power... light fading....
Zyrtec... get... Tum.... boy...
rosebud....
(silence)
Mark: Whew! What happened? What...? It's 3:45? Where have I been for two hours?
Why is my lap wet?
Brian: It's a long story. We'll tell you later. Here, have a Tums. They're in supermarkets everywhere.
Mark: Hey, thanks! Mmmm...cherry flavored!
Monday Morning
Brian: Did Zyrtec ever get the damn condom dispenser fixed? I hate irresponsible Zyrtecians.
Mark: On his first attempt, he thought he had the dispenser fixed, lost his 75 cents, became angry and vaporized it. The Anger and Impatience of Zyrtec is legendary, as you well know. So, the jammed condom dispenser is no longer an issue. It was difficult, but we managed to get through our morning staff meeting without condoms.
We'll need a new dispenser in working order in time for the annual company picnic, though.