Longmire does Romance Novels - Your Submissions

Your Submissions

A lot of you felt the LOVE, baby, and sent in covers you came up with... and they're very funny!

Also featured are portions of e-mails from adoring fans, a lot of whom seemed to be ladies with weak bladders.

The response and participation was truly overwhelming, as you will see.

Currently, I am teetering between the number one and two positions of results from searches of "romance novels" on Google. Don't know how long that will last, or what it's worth, but it feels great for now!

Thanks!

Hey I don't have any covers to send you, but as a member of AARs coverballot contest I have a source for them. I would like to invite you to come to the AAR website and vote on our 2004 cover contest. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find the arrow to click on.

(http://www.likesbooks.com/coverintro2004.html)

There is a box at the bottom of each category ballot page to comment. It is now open to the public. I am also wanting to ask if you had the time or inclination to write a short column commenting on your point of view as a man and perhaps one who doesn't read romance?

From FLsSnowWhite...

I admired your covers. What wit! I laughed myself breathless. As a long time reader and now writer of romances, I've seem some very bad covers. They're embarrassing. It is too bad the stories, which are generally good to damn fine writing, are represented by the covers. However, I've been told that the 'clinch' covers are popular with readers. I wonder where publishers do their market analysis?

- Nina

I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to tell you how great these are. I didn't realize I needed to laugh so much. So many great titles. Congrats.

Your Submissions A lot of you felt the LOVE, baby, and sent in covers you came up with... and they're very funny! Also featured are portions of e-mails from adoring fans, a lot of whom seemed to be ladies with weak bladders. The response and participation was truly overwhelming, as you will see. Currently, I am teetering between the number one and two positions of results from searches of "romance novels" on Google. Don't know how long that will last, or what it's worth, but it feels great for now! Thanks!

Newly submitted covers...
Sandi submitted these two covers...
...and then she had to do ruin it all by having some fun at my expense. The joke's on you, Sandi. You have a typo on your cover...	Spike presents another cover from the kangaroo collection and swears the art is real...

Scottie McMullet brought tears to my eyes. Thanks. - George Schillinger Phoenix Old Used and Rare Books

Hey I don't have any covers to send you, but as a member of AARs coverballot contest I have a source for them. I would like to invite you to come to the AAR website and vote on our 2004 cover contest. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find the arrow to click on. (http://www.likesbooks.com/coverintro2004.html) There is a box at the bottom of each category ballot page to comment. It is now open to the public. I am also wanting to ask if you had the time or inclination to write a short column commenting on your point of view as a man and perhaps one who doesn't read romance? Thanks, Lisa

These next four are from Ariela...


You're Romance Novel covers became a hit here in Colorado Springs because one of the local stations does a website of the day...and yours was one of them. Great publicity for you and the Romance Novel section was the section they posted on their site as a link. I thought it was hilarious!!! - Samantha (Wow... that's incredible. Thanks! -Longmire)

Okay those romance novel covers are hilarious. Laughed, cried, would see them again and again, so sad you have a girlfriend!

And these four are from Evy...


Hi there, My name is De Kwok and I am the editor in chief for a free, independent magazine in Seattle called Tablet. You can access our online version at www.tabletmag.com. I'm writing to tell you how much i enjoy your revamping of romance novels; they're hilarious. I'm writing about your awesome website in our forthcoming issue and would like permission to reprint one of your covers for the article. I am also including a link to your website so others can check out all of the entries. Hopefully you'll get more submissions. Thank you very much for your work and your time. Cheers, De Kwok Tablet Magazine Editor in Chief tabletmag.com

And last but not least, to finish this batch up, Remco (who is a Dutch designer) sent this one just under the wire as I was posting the new submissions...

Previously submitted covers...
From FLsSnowWhite...	From ..

	From Selwyn...

Mr. Longmire, I admired your covers. What wit! I laughed myself breathless. As a long time reader and now writer of romances, I've seem some very bad covers. They're embarrassing. It is too bad the stories, which are generally good to damn fine writing, are represented by the covers. However, I've been told that the 'clinch' covers are popular with readers. I wonder where publishers do their market analysis? - Nina

From monkey chop...



Oh my, you may have the funniest web page (Longmire does romance novels) I have ever seen. I can only remember laughing this hard while reading Ralph Wiggum quotes! I couldn't believe when I actually saw a cover from a book I had read!! I love it! Thanks so much for making my day, - Amy

From Spike...	From Angela...

Oh, man. I think I broke something inside, I was laughing at these so hard. Heh. Thanks. Good laugh. - JJ

From Bob...	From Brian...

i received a link to your romance novels this mornin'...cracked me up....nearly made me pee. anyway, i decided to peruse your site and happened upon a number of sections that made me pee some more. ummm.....felt strangely compelled to write you and let you know this. have a good weekend, me

Send you some of ours? How in the world could we ever come up with anything to top what you've done? I'll be awake in the middle of the night thinking about all these. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it! - Ginny

From Candy...	From Gaea...

We in the Romance/Romantica/Erotica….aw hell…chick porn biz take a serious amount of flack for our …um… “product”. But we can (and do) laugh at ourselves…I’m an editor for such materials and sent the link to your romance novel covers to all my writers. This is freakin’ brilliant!!!! - Maggie

From Gregg...	From Glossaria...

Hi, enjoyed your romance novel covers, and found this site...bet you've already seen it, but just in case here it is: http://www.likesbooks.com/coverballot/2003/WO-results-2003.html - Sue

From Hot Cross Bunions...

Loved your covers page. I read your response about not reading a romance novel, and I have to let you in on women's best-kept secret: romance novels are chock-a-block full of steamy sex scenes. My husband picked up one of mine and was absently thumbing through the pages when he found one of the numerous explicit scenes, and his jaw dropped. Romance novels are porn for women. Open any novel in the supermarket, flip to a section that has almost no dialogue, and you'll find one of the 2- to 3-page descriptions of very hot sex. I can't believe that more people (men, I mean) don't know about this. - Creatrix

From Nancy... "...when my husband ran into a still from the upcoming film "The New World", starring Colin Farrell, I thought it screamed "Romance Novel" and had some fun with photoshop."	From Neil... "I made this while I was looking for a job. The apex of the whole humiliating experience was an advert that insisted applicants must demonstrate "a passion for customers."

Your site makes me giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. - Rio (and pee like one, too? - Longmire)

Your covers are great, thanks so much for the laughs! I'm ashamed to say I've read several of your victims. - Stacey

From Saprice... "... we have a romance novelist on our board and after your site (and her peeing her pants repeatedly with the covers) I was held down and sat upon by very fat, angry ladies who came flying out from behind the bar and forced to create a mock-romance cover."	From Shannon... "After eloping, my husband and I were persuaded to throw some sort of “post wedding” wedding party. This art is the front of our invitation (that is our faces.)"

Hi, I write romances, and I thought you'd be amused by a real-life cover disaster. One of the perks of writing for a small press like Hard Shell is that I can give suggestions about what I want my cover to look like. Since my novel Star-crossed is about slavery and freedom, I asked for a man's manacled hand reaching for a star. Dirk Wolf created a gorgeous cover exactly as I'd requested, but as I studied the picture, I noticed the breast shape of the star and the unfortunate position of the man's fingers in relation to it. After dubbing the cover, "The Galactic Grope," I requested that the hand not be so close to the star. Decide for yourself if I have an overactive imagination. http://marilynnbyerly.com/marilynnbyerly/firstcover.html

From Sean...

We all know damn well that you bought those books and read them and just had them laying around the house. "I went out and bought a few..." my ass. :) - Tracy (yeah, Tracy, you found me out. I knew I couldn't fool you of all people. I only ridicule romance novels because I love them so. Love them? HELL, I SIMPLY ADORE THEM! Actually, it's a cry for help... - Longmire)

From William...	From (another) William...

A friend sent me a link to your romance novel cover parodies - which were hilarious. As a female, I think the vast majority of romance novels are total garbage that are as formulaic as their covers. They are ridiculously anachronistic - in fact they wouldn't exist if not for anachronisms. It always amazes me when I find out that anybody I consider half-way intelligent considers bodice ripper romances to be well written. I don't think there's anything wrong in reading overwrought pseudo-historical lite porn - just admit that that's all it is. Your covers perfectly skewered the pretentious posturing of the covers. The rest of your site is pretty damn funny, too! - Christy

From Sarah...
	From jshearouse...

I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to tell you how great these are. I didn't realize I needed to laugh so much. So many great titles. Congrats. -Keith

From Outpatient...

*Whew!* But that's not all. Last, but not least... of course, it was inevitable that there would be some R-rated covers submitted. They're not really THAT dirty (you all behaved rather well), but I separated them out onto their own page anyway in a weak attempt to protect the children. THE CHILDREN. So, here are the naughtiest of the naughty...