If your car gets stuck in a flooded area, seek higher ground.
If you see a tornado, don't walk towards it.
Don't use your 6 year old to shield you from high winds.
If you see a tornado coming, flee to the nearest trailer park.
Don't yell, wave or applaud at the tornado.
If you are experiencing severe lightning, don't climb onto the
roof to adjust the TV antenna, especially if you have cable.
If you're pregnant during bad weather, don't shoot heroin.
If your driveway has become a pond 10 feet deep or more, roll
up your windows before driving towards the garage.
During the TV storm track alert, the yellow and red spots on
the map ARE NOT interesting places to visit.
Do not attempt to converse with the tornado.
Holy water, crucifixes, wooden stakes, garlic cloves, exposure
to daylight, and silver bullets do not work on tornados.
Also, contrary to popular belief, a tornado cannot be stopped
with gunfire, flamethrowers, or archery.
The tornado is, despite all reports, after YOU personally.
The tornado will not stop for traffic lights, so look both ways
before you continue at the green signal.
Sometimes tornados travel in packs.
Tornados love to eat cream horns. Cream horns remind them of
On the same topic of pastries, funnel clouds are not to be confused
with funnel cakes.
The name of the tornado basketball team is the Tasmanian Devils.
The female tornado basketball team is called the Lady Tasmanian
Devils. Be sure you don't confuse the two teams. It makes them
If any outside pets have been killed by severe weather conditions,
do not continue to feed them.
In addition to staying away from windows during severe thunderstorms
involving lightning, carrying a large pane of plate glass around
the neighborhood during that time is also not advised.
Please postpone any gardening activities until after the tornado
Conducting human sacrifices during tornados is hazardous and
Do not attempt to retrieve your hat from tornadic winds, even
if it is your favorite hat given as a Christmas present from
your late Aunt Velma.
Former University of Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning is
not a trained emergency manager or director of FEMA. We urge
you not to make calls to his home for safety instructions in
the event of a severe weather-related emergency. He cannot help
The approach of tornados are often preceded by the sound of
the theme song from the film "Rocky." This is a natural
phenomena and is quite common. During severe weather conditions,
if this song is heard, seek shelter or evacuate immediately.
Under no circumstances throw a boomerang into an approaching
Tornados are attracted to wind chimes. To protect your property,
remove all wind chimes from your residence. Do it now.
Contrary to a popular myth, they DO NOT call the wind "Mariah."
Any attempt to call the wind "Mariah" could result
in loss of life and property.
On a similar note, the popular lyric "the answer, my friend,
is blowin' in the wind" is, unfortunately, the cause of
many storm and tornado-related deaths. Do not attempt to find
"the answers" in the midst of a tornado. In all reported
cases, "the answers" were not found, unless your definition
of an "answer" is having your head ripped off from
your neck and shoulders.
When approaching a flooded area of the roadway while motoring,
increase to maximum speed. It's a proven scientific fact that
you can "surprise" large bodies of water by driving
through them before they realize what is happening, resulting
in non-flooding of your vehicle.
Do not attempt
to hook up a printer and print to a tornado.
Do not attempt
to download a tornado from www.tornado.com. It will not only
crash your computer but also takes up too much disk space.
Do not attempt
to use a tornado to defragment your hard drive.
of the Dilbert comic strip: Walk... no... run directly into
the closest tornado in your vicinity.
for your personal safety, remove all pens and pencils from your
pocket protector during high winds. In addition, tie down and
secure propeller on your cap.