"And that completes my final report until we reach touchdown." An interstellar spacecraft is streaking through space at the speed of light. Inside the spacecraft are four American astronauts: Commander George Taylor and his three crewmates - Landon, Dodge, and Stewart (the only female, who by the way, is a blonde babe).

As the film starts out, Commander Taylor is sitting at the helm of the ship, smoking a stogie, dictating his innermost thoughts concerning the fate of mankind into a high-tech reel-to-reel tape recorder at the spacecraft's control panel, as really cheap-looking special effects fly past the windows.

The rest of the crew are seemingly fast asleep in their individual hibernation cubicles, no doubt they turned in early to avoid Taylor's ramblings. "...the earth has aged nearly 700 years since we left it... while we aged hardly at all... I leave the 20th century with no regrets." Taylor continues "The scene from out here...everything seems different. Time bends, space is boundless. It squashes a man's ego... I feel lonely."

After this last remark, Taylor hears some giggling coming from his crewmates' cubicles. He quickly snaps his head around toward the source of the laughter, only to hear an abrupt silence. Carefully eyeing the crew's compartments, he wraps up his speech as he injects himself with a sleep-inducing drug.Taylor gives each slumbering crew member a menacing glance before he enters his own cubicle. He notices that Landon has taped a note to the outside glass of his cubicle that reads "Leave me alone, Taylor." Taylor is an intergalactic jerk and these two guys don't get along very well.

	He lingers a bit over Stewart's cubicle, gazing at her as a drop of saliva forms at the corner of his mouth. It's obvious that he has plans for this chick. Taylor settles into the bed of his hibernation cubicle, dusts the snack cracker crumbs off his uniform, straps himself in, rips one, and goes to Sleepytown.

Commander George Taylor -
tough guy astronaut with a bad attitude

Let us pause for a few moments as we watch the movie's title and opening credits sequence (you can also listen to the main title soundtrack - funkified [.aiff 966k] if you wish... I'll wait right here for you).

The next scene is of a desert horizon from the spacecraft's point of view as it seems to be doing loop-de-loops and barrel rolls through the sky. After a few near-misses of desert cliffs, it splashes down into a desert lake. The spacecraft comes to rest in the water, bobbing up and down (as seen through the ship's windows) as the soundtrack's orchestra tunes up. Automatically, the glass doors of the astronauts' sleep compartments slide open amid flashing red emergency lights. The now-bearded astronauts sit up and groggily stare at each other. Landon checks himself out to make sure that Taylor didn't mess with him while he was in hibernation sleep. Taylor notices that Stewart has not emerged from her cubicle and calls out for her.

To his horror, Stewart's cubicle has been damaged during the flight, and what's left of her is a mummified corpse. Dodge sees this and screams like a French schoolgirl. Taylor yells out "Ahh...damn it!" as he realizes he's now without a date and alone with these two guys. At that moment, the walls of the spacecraft buckle and the interior cabin starts taking in water at an alarming rate... the ship is sinking.

"What the..."

The scene changes to an aerial view of the spacecraft in the middle of the vast lake. One can see clearly that the exterior hatch is gone. Back inside, Taylor starts barking out orders as he goes through emergency abandon ship procedures. Taylor assumes his crew is following his orders but turns around to find Dodge reading a magazine and Landon shampooing his hair. Taylor screams out "Move it, idiots!"

Taylor sends Dodge up the escape tunnel to test the planet's atmosphere (as if they had a choice not to go outside at this point). Dodge operates some sort of Mickey Mouse contol panel that activates an exterior sensor and confirms that the planet has a breathable atmosphere. Taylor orders him to blow the hatch before they lose all electrical power. Dodge presses a big red button and blows the hatch off. An exterior shot of the spacecraft shows an explosive charge sending the hatch sailing into the air and also releasing several Happy Birthday balloons. Wait a minute...wasn't the hatch already gone before Dodge blew it? This must be a magic space ship.

Our three adventurers: left to right; Dodge, Taylor, and Landon.

Dodge grabs the inflatable life raft that is strapped under one of the main instrument consoles (note this) and exits the ship, screaming hysterically "We're all gonna die!" the whole time. Landon is the next to jump out of the ship, losing all the change in his pockets in the process. Before Taylor abandons the ship, he takes a look at the Earth time display, which reads that the year is now 3978. Outside the sinking spacecraft, Landon and Dodge (who has calmed down now and is eating a KitKat bar supplied by Landon to pacify him) are in the life raft. Taylor joins them and the three astronauts start rowing toward the shore, watching helplessly as their spacecraft - their only known means of return to Earth - slips beneath the water's surface.

As he watches the spacecraft submerge, Landon remarks "Going, going, gone". Taylor slaps his forehead in a sudden realization of something he forgot, "Ahhh... damn it! My Three Dog Night tapes!" Dodge breathes a heavy sigh as he swallows the last bite of his KitKat bar. In a solemn tone of finality, Taylor states "Okay, we're here to stay."

This parody ©2003 Mark Longmire/The Wonderful World of Longmire