Hi, I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU. Click here if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

Wednesday, 11/30/05 - Have you ever got one of those "inspirational" PowerPoint presentations sent to you in an e-mail? The kind that is a slideshow consisiting of a series of photos with "words to live by" superimposed and includes sappy music in the background?

Well, I got one yesterday and, tiring of seeing these syrupy things, decided to improve upon it with a little text editing. I know, I know... the original author was sincere in his purpose of creating the original for others to hopefully find some enjoyment and inspiration from its heartfelt messages... and here I come along and butcher it in just a few minutes. Well, you should know by now what kind of cruel bastard I can be. But you'll laugh when you see it, so what does that say about you? Yes, we are all one twisted family.

There are two versions. One is my version, the second is by none other than Christopher T. Shields, who took my version and tweaked it some and added his own "messages" here and there.

Enjoy both of them, and feel free to send them to the far corners of the earth to anyone and everyone with an e-mail account.

And if either or both of these make their way back to the author of the original presentation... hey, sorry.

(Both of these are PowerPoint slideshows about 2 mb each)

Longmire version

Longmire and Shields version

If you have or know of any more of these sappy slideshows, (I fear I will regret this) send them to me or give me a link to them.

Wednesday, 11/16/05 - Speaking of Elvis, and we weren't, a couple of times in the past I've told you about my father's sole contribution to the vast quantity of Elvis paraphernalia... the design of an Elvis quilt. It wasn't his idea, mind you, he was just hired to do the artwork shortly after The King's death(?).

Anyhoo, this quilt was shown in a tongue-in-cheek television documentary titled Elvis USA which aired on TBS in the mid-90s. Hosted by comedian Paul Provenza, the show poked fun at Elvis fans... I mean, the type of hardcore fans that have no lives because of their obsessed devotion to Elvis.

Below are a couple of clips from the show that I finally captured from video to present to you...

(Click on image for video clips)

A dream of "Alvis"

Elvis's last moments

Sunday, 11/13/05 - I added a couple more e-mail jewels to the E-Mail Extravaganza.

Saturday, 11/12/05 - You're sitting in your car in the mall parking lot at 9 p.m. You're there to pick your daughter up from work. You're waiting and you're bored. What do you do in the meantime? YOU TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!

Enjoy!

I spent the day hiking in the Smoky Mountains, climbing the Chimney Tops trail on a beautiful Autumn day...

Sunday, 11/6/05 - Hi, I'm back. Did you miss me?

Today is my birthday. I am now 46.

I spent the day hiking in the Smoky Mountains, climbing the Chimney Tops trail on a beautiful Autumn day...

Click on thumbnails for a larger view

It was exactly the thing I needed to get away to clear my head and throw out some mental baggage that has been dogging me recently. And a birthday is a good milestone date to start anew, just like New Year's Eve December 31, 2003 was the day I gave up smoking cold turkey. It's important to have a memorable date to use to track your progress.

Anyhoo, detouring the subject slightly...

With the freakish natural disasters (tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc.) occurring for the past couple of years, there has been some discussion and concern that the end of the world may be coming soon. Jeez, there's even a TV movie about it on tonight.

Well, I'm here to tell you not to worry about it.

I can assure you that the day the world ends is the very day that I am happily married, have all my bills paid, house paid for, and I'm financially secure and fully able to finally enjoy life without struggling through it.

The moment I say "I do" and walk down the aisle with my new bride, there will be a blinding flash of lightening and a deafening crack of thunder heard all round the world to announce the commencement of the boiling of the seas, the arrival of the flesh-eating locusts, a deadly bird-pig-cow-horse-cat-dog-ferret-platypus-tree-sofa flu, the moon exploding into a rainbow shower of Skittles, and the revolt of the apes.

So, as you see, this won't happen for a long time, unless I win the lottery... then we're all toast. As long as I keep screwing up in my life, the world is safe from annihilation.

You're welcome.

Saturday, 9/10/05 - Update on Christopher T. Shields (see yesterday's post). Christopher and his wife and daughter are fine. Their home received minor hurricane damage and they are enduring power and telephone outages. Christopher works for the Mississippi Department of Transportation as a computer tech, so you can imagine that he's been very busy restoring systems down there. My thanks goes out to Keith Volkmar for responding to my post yesterday and relaying the information to me.

Speaking of Hurricane Katrina, that reminds me of something I forgot to tell you yesterday. A few nights ago I saw Richard Simmons, of all people, make an appearance on Larry King Live. Simmons, a New Orleans native, was commenting on the terrible post-hurricane conditions down there. I'm sorry, but it's hard to take the guy seriously with his afro hair and him wearing a glittery vest with no shirt on underneath. At one point, and I swear I heard him say it and I'm not making this up, he referred to New Orleans as "the Venice, Italy of the world." Um.... I think that the actual Venice, Italy is considered by most people to be the Venice, Italy of the world there, sissy-britches.

Today on the SciFi channel, they're running a marathon of Bruce Campbell movies leading up to the premiere of his new film, "Man with the Screaming Brain," which Bruce wrote, directed, and stars in. If you're familiar with Campbell's post-Evil Dead movies, it's a given that this new movie will suck like his others (with the sole exception of Bubba Ho-Tep)... it's a question of how bad it will suck.

It airs at 9 p.m. Eastern time tonight.

For an extra-sucky bonus, tune in two hours earlier at 7 p.m. to see Alien Apocalypse, starring Bruce in a hand-me-down flight suit from Planet of the Apes, and see him save the world's supply of lumber from invading insectoid-aliens

Friday, 9/9/05 - I added two new wildly amusing e-mail conversations to the E-Mail Extravaganza!

Read the last sentence in this news article I copied from comcast.net's home page...

Yeah... blame it on the cats. They always get a bum rap. A likely story. Why would the neighborhood cats release an alligator into the neighborhood... THEIR OWN neighborhood? That would be like inviting a serial killer to live on your street. Now, I might be willing to believe it if it were some cats from a rival neighborhood...

Still, I would have liked to have seen the cats actually do that.

By the way, don't think that by me continuing to post humorous items that, by not mentioning it, I don't care or I'm ignoring the incredible events that have happened to New Orleans and the gulf coast area. Just like you, I've watched the news coverage of the devastation and chaos and couldn't believe it was actually happening. My heart goes out to all the hurricane victims.

I'd like to send a personal shout out to Christopher T. Shields and Jonathan Clark, who both reside near Jackson, Mississippi. I haven't heard from either one of them since Katrina struck. I've tried to call several times but the lines have been out. I hope they're doing well.

Thursday, 9/1/05 - BLASTOFF!

Monday, 8/29/05 - This morning, I was converting an old vinyl LP to mp3 files to burn to a CD. The record happened to be the soundtrack album to that sci-fi television series from the late 70s, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Listening to the lyrics of the show's main theme, it occurred to me that it could very well serve as the official theme song for Alzheimer's Disease.

Yeah, I said it.

Judge for yourself...

Far beyond the world I've known, far beyond my time
What am I? Who am I? What will I be?
Where am I going, and what will I see?
Searching my mind for some truth to reveal
What thoughts are fantasy, what memory's real.

Long before this life of mine, long before this time
What was there? Who cared to make it begin?
Is it forever, or will it all end?
Searching my past for the things that I've seen
Is it my life, or just something I've dreamed?

Far beyond this world I've known, far beyond my time
What kind of world am I going to find?
Will it be real or just all in my mind?
What am I? Who am I? What will I be?
Where am I going, and what will I see?

Speaking of Buck Rogers, two years ago I saw Gil Gerard, who played the title role of the short-lived series, at Knoxville's AdventureCon. He had really let himself go and I think he should be referred to as Bulk Rogers now. Because of this, his table wasn't very busy with autograph seekers...

Tuesday, 8/16/05 - I'm thinking about writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Friday, 8/12/05 - Instant Karma got me.

Let me tell you what happened.

A couple of days ago, I went out to lunch with two coworkers named Greg. One Greg had just purchased a new Jeep, so he was driving to show it off to us. Lunch was uneventful. We left the restaurant and I got into the back seat, Greg got into the driver's side, and the other Greg was in the process of getting in on the front passenger side. It had been raining slightly, so when he opened the door, some water ran off the soft-top roof into the vehicle, he pretty much just stood there and watched it while driver Greg kept urging him to get in quickly to minimize the water pouring in, Finally, passenger Greg did get it, but ending up sitting in a damp seat.

I said "He's used to having a wet ass, anyway."

Big mistake. The Gods of Karma must have been listening and decided to pay a call on me.

Minutes after we got back to the office, I sat down at my desk and resumed work. I could start to feel some normal after-effects of my lunch, and as I leaned over in my chair to rip one, like I do a dozen or more times a day, I got a totally different and unexpected result... the unmistakable sensation of liquid filling the seat of my pants.

Who has the wet ass now, right?

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Horror-stricken, I immediately jumped out my chair, in a useless effort to minimize the after-effects of the blast, and ran/waddled to the restroom. Fortunately, no one was present along the way to witness this or to engage me in conversation and I reached my destination unheeded. Even if someone had seen me, they probably wouldn't think twice as I am known for walking funny from time to time.

Seated in the restroom stall, I surveyed the damage.. and it didn't look good. Well, of course, it wasn't going to look good regardless, but this case was particularly bad. I won't go into detail, but I can tell you that it wasn't just going to be a quick and simple mop up job. I had stainage through the undies and onto the exterior of the pants.

I had to think quick. Another stroke of fortune was that I had worn an Hawaiian-style shirt that day, so I had large shirttails that could just almost hide the seat of my pants. That would get me out the door because it was plain to see at this point that I needed a clean pair of pants and fast.

Drying myself as best I could, I left the restroom, went back to my office as quickly and quietly as I could and told a coworker that I was going out for a minute to do something I had forgotten to do during lunch. I grabbed my light jacket (another stroke of fortune that it was raining that day), wrapped it around my hind end and tied the arms around my waist. It looked normal enough. Now, off to a new pair of boxers and pants.

As you can imaging, it was an uncomfortable ride to the nearby WalMart. Once inside, a made a beeline to the men's clothing department. I made my selections very quickly, as I was starting to chafe in my tender regions at this point. Of course, I saw a coworker when I was at the cashier, but thankfully they didn't notice or comment on what I was buying... not that it would have been strange for me to have been buying those items anyway.

I got back to my office, closed and locked the door, and proceeded to change into these new life-saving garments. However, Karma wasn't quite through with me yet. In my haste to buy the replacement garments, I had unwittingly purchased sized 2X underwear.

Okay, I thought... minor setback and waste of money... let's get these babies on, regardless. I put the oversized undies on. They came down almost to my knees and just barely stayed put on me. If I had exhaled or moved slightly, they would have fallen off. I put the new pair of jeans on and tucked the enormous boxer shorts in... and tucked, and tucked, and tucked.

Finally, I was set. I wrapped up the soiled garments, put them in a plastic bag and into a large desk drawer. Note to self: don't forget to take those home today.

Ahhhh, nice and comfy. Problem solved. You take for granted the feel of dry pants.

Now I got to thinking... what could have caused this? My lunch was a grilled chicken sandwich with seasoned fries. Ahhhh.... the seasoned fries. I had never had those before at this particular restaurant. That must have been it.

Moral of the story? I don't think there is one, really, since I think this was just an accidental fluke and a coincidental self-fulfilling prophecy after I uttered those now-infamous words "He's used to having a wet ..."

Nope, I'm not going to say it again.

Why did I swallow my pride and risk ridicule to tell this tale? I don't know, I guess I just wanted you all to know that beneath the beautiful exterior and magnificent physique, I am a normal human being just like the rest of you, and I sometimes crap my pants like you do... just not as often as you.

So, if you happen to run into me after reading this, be kind. Rather than calling me "Mr. Shitty Britches" or "Poopie Pants," if you have to call me anything that refers to this tale, I prefer you address me as "Double X."

Thanks in advance.

Wednesday, 7/27/05 - OK, here's something weird... as I write this, I am currently working on my 4th Corona beer, I just ate half a tray of mini-taquitos, and the taste in my mouth at this exact moment is the exact same taste of communion wafers. I kid you not.

Monday, 7/11/05 -

A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, BUT IT MAKES ONE HELLUVA LAUNCH PAD!!!...

Monday, 6/6/05 - For your reading pleasure, two new e-mail exchanges have been posted in the E-Mail Extravaganza.

Some more fun with video...

Click on image to view video
(video clip is approximately 3.8 Mb)

Wednesday, 6/1/05 - Videos-A-Go-Go

Here are some video clips that may give you a chuckle or two.

First up, I was going through some old videotapes last week to burn onto DVDs when I came across this jewel. It's just one of many, many cartoons I taped for my son when he was small. It's a half-hour Saturday morning episode from the 70s, but the first two minutes featured here are hilarious. Who knows if the humor was intentional at the time. The dialogue of the egotistical, temperamental Magneto, and the sight of his ridiculous-looking Magneto-Mobile, are golden. "This is not every car" is an understatement. I suspect that Magneto may actually be Bob Dole... since he prefers to speak in the third-person... and talks to himself rather frequently.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, "Magneto vs The Fantastic Four."

Click on image to view video
(video clip is approximately 2.6 Mb)

Next up, is a trailer for an old horror movie called "Black Sabbath," starring Boris Karloff. It's got a few unintentionally funny spots in it...

Click on image to view video
(video clip is also approximately 2.6 Mb)

Speaking of horror... and I was... below is a shot from a classic episode of Night Gallery titled "The Doll."

When the episode first aired in the early 70s, when I was a kid, it scared the holy crap out of me for months. I saw it again for the first time since then on DVD last month.

It's still pretty scary-looking.

Last, but not least, is a link to some hilarious office-themed videos on Netscape's web site that I received today via e-mail.

You're gonna like these.

Ahoy, ya'll... shee-it!

My friend and coworker Greg Watters... who from this moment on shall be referred to as "Greg Watters"... went to Long John Silver for lunch today. Big mistake. Oh, as far as I can tell the food was as good as could be expected but the place was run by backwoods hicks. One Gomer in particular was more stupid than the others. When we were ordering he was behind the counter talking his head off about how dirty the trays were. And... and I swear this happened... he lifted one up from the stack to discover that it was dripping with ketchup and tartar sauce. "Well looky here, ya'll!" he said as he picked it up and displayed its underside to everyone present. I asked Greg, uh... I mean, "Greg Watters," if he still wanted to eat there, but too late... he had already ordered by that time.

After this event, Gomer took his break and proceeded to the dining area with what looked like to be a square slice of chocolate cake. He yelled out to some small black children repeatedly, "I DONE GOT MINE! I DONE GOT MINE!"

I have no idea what the hell that was all about.

The kids seemed to not pay any attention to him, but their grandmother looked concerned and avoided any and all eye contact with Gomer.

As "Greg Watters" and I consumed our seafood sensations, Gomer then proceeded to sweep the floor area around the tables. A couple of women stood by a table while he kept sweeping. He asked them, "Who you waiting for?" One of the women muttered something and they sat down when he finally got out of their way.

"Greg Watters" and I, naturally, started thinking up our own answer to Gomer's question if he had asked us... like telling him that we were waiting on Santa who was outside parking the car... so we could watch him run outside yelling "Santy, SANTY!!!!"

Then I observed that two of my hush puppies were melded together to form what looked like a fried scrotum. "Greg Watters" suggested that they were Gomer's and that I should return them to him. I said, "WHAT? And have him reproduce???"

Then, just for fun, we strategically planted a chicken plank onto the scrotum to complete the package, and contemplated leaving the plate on the table for the employees to find. We didn't... but it's funny how moments before these items were edible food (and actually still were) but in their latter configuration were not to be even touched... in accordance with The Straight Guy's Handbook. Every straight guy knows the handbook from cover to cover even though it's an unwritten set of rules that exist only in our heads. There's some things guys just don't do.

To sum up, there was a bell at the side of the exit with a sign that read, "If we did it well, ring the bell!" We contemplated, again, to yank the bell's string so hard that it would come off the wall so we could take it to use as a hood ornament... but of course we didn't. But I DID pull it real hard and sounded a large "BONG" when we left. So there.

At my workplace, for some reason the custodians come in and start their duties around 3 pm. We get treated to the sounds of squeaky cleaning carts going up and down the hall, vacuum cleaners, and interruptions of trash emptying. And if you want to use the restroom around 4:30, you can forget it.

Anyhoo... today, by accident actually and probably due to the Long John Silver lunch, I farted a big hot one a split second before the janitor entered my office to retrieve my trash. It was a room-filler and I didn't even have time to fan it any. He probably was wondering why I was looking away from him staring at the wall laughing... no, I take that back... I sure he knows why I was laughing, and I bet he wishes now that he was scheduled to come in after hours like custodial staff in the real world.

I think I've said this before, but I must reiterate...

"If it comes out hot, it's gonna rot!"®

Monday, 5/30/05 - Happy Memorial Day!

I hope your day was more fun than this guy's...

He and his chicken look like they're having a blast.

I was burning a DVD of a movie called "The Tao of Steve" for a friend this evening. The main character in the film, a major slacker of a fellow, was smoking a bong for breakfast when his soon-to-be-love-interest asked him, "Don't you ever want to do more with your life?" to which he replied these classic lines...

"Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler... he did a lot of stuff, but don't we all wish he would have just stayed home and gotten stoned?"