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The new generation of geniuses…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Feb 1, 2010 in Excellent Ideas, Out and about

A friend passed this story on to me. It’s a true story experienced by a Mr. Steve Hillenbrand of Knoxville.

Enjoy…

The $2.00 Bill I Tried to Spend

Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn’t even know they exist.

STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’

Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’

Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’

Manager : ‘No. A what?’

Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me..’

Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’

Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’ He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?’

Me : ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?’

Server: ‘I don’t know.’

Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’

Server: ‘Yeah.’

Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’

Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to
him, ‘He says I have to take it…’

Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’

Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change

Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’

Server: ‘What should I do?’

Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’

Server : ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’

Manager: ‘Just tell him.’

Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’

Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’

Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’

Me: ‘Why not?’

Manager: ‘I think you know why..’

Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’

Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’

Me: ‘Excuse me?’

Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’

Me: ‘What on earth for?’

Manager: ‘Please, sir.’

Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’

Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’

Me: ‘No.’

Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’

Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in..

Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’

Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money..’

Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’

Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’

Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’

Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’

Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’

Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’

Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’

Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’

Guard: ‘Yeah.’

Security Guard walks over to me and……

Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’

Me: ‘Uh, no..’

Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’

Me: ‘Why?’

Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’

At this point I am ready to say, ‘ Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say , ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’

Manager: ‘It’s fake’

Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’

Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’

Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘

Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’

The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think..those two will be voting soon
….YIKES!!!

 
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Just in time for Christmas…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Dec 2, 2009 in Entertainment, Excellent Ideas, Holidays and Events, In the News

This new Xbox 360 game is sure to be the must-have gift of the season!

New from EA Sports... Tiger Woods Driveway Challenge!

New from EA Sports... Tiger Woods Driveway Challenge!

 
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In praise of the handicapped stall…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Sep 11, 2009 in A Total Waste of Time, Excellent Ideas, Uncategorized

I like using the handicapped stall in the restroom at work. It’s nice and roomy. I have this little cart that I wheel into the stall that contains all the supplies I need during restroom time such as: a little lap desk to place my lunch on, a heated footrest, a padded back rest with arms complete with cup holders, cappuccino maker, toaster oven, a cot to nap on, dartboard, a podium to practice my public speaking, TV set with built-in DVD player, various lotions and reading material… and of course, my imported toilet tissues. Sometimes my Spanish language instructor accompanies me.

I like to be comfortable and not rushed so that I am completely ready when The Moment arrives. My Spanish teacher is somewhat helpful during this event, but I don’t always understand her commands when she yells, “Empujar, gringo, empuje!” However, she is GREAT to work with afterward… so gentle… a real pro.

Anyhoo, I encourage you to explore the magic of a handicapped stall near you, whether it be at your office, church, or school. Trust me, when done right, it’s an experience you will never forget.

 
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Six times your pleasure…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Aug 3, 2009 in A Total Waste of Time, Excellent Ideas

Six of me. Hanging out. Deal with it, people…

Multi-Marks

 
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Drink up, my children…

Posted by Mr. Longmire on Jan 13, 2009 in Excellent Ideas

flasks

Hey, I was thinking that it would be cool for all of us to drink out of a hip flask everywhere we go. Thanks to irresponsible drunks throughout history, the flask has suffered a bad reputation but it doesn’t need to be that way anymore. As long as it doesn’t contain alcohol, there shouldn’t be a problem if we put some Sprite in that baby instead. But maybe we should use one that doesn’t have the word “WHISKEY” blatantly engraved on the front like the one pictured. Why ask for trouble.

Imagine slipping a flask out of your back pocket at work during a meeting and taking a sip. If anybody has a problem with it, just tell them you are expressing your personal diversity. That, and you are powerful thirsty.

You could take your flask to church, to funerals, to your kid’s school play, a job interview, on a first date, an evening drive through town, to a court appearance or meeting with your probation officer, or even to an AA meeting. The possibilities are endless.

And, sometimes a flask carried in the inside breast pocket of a suit or jacket can stop a bullet. It can’t stop one anywhere else. It has to be in that particular pocket… while you are wearing it.

If the flask isn’t for you, you could carry around an old west canteen. The striped kind the cowboys drank out of during a thirsty cattle drive (and also handy for pouring water out to extinguish a campfire at the crack of dawn). Or… you could go old, OLD, school and carry around a leather water sack like they did back in bible days. God would be proud of you for once.

Come on, these are way cooler than a plastic water bottle.

I’m in…. who’s with me?

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